Good afternoon, friends, and happy Pride! We are bumping along over here at #TeamRavi. We miss him deeply. Early on in our grief journey a friend of Robert’s gave him the analogy that deep grief is like a boulder that lands in the middle of one’s living room. Everyone knows that it is there and tries to tiptoe around it. Sometimes though, one is short of patience, or calories, or endurance and runs right into it. Bam! And it hurts. Robert suggested this analogy to his therapist last week. Instead of a boulder, she suggested a crater. There is this massive hole that appeared in the middle of the living room. On good days, one can see the hole and navigate around it. On not so good days, one walks straight into it and rapidly descends into a grief spiral. This analogy suits us better. There are some days that we can tiptoe around the crater. Robert will go soaring or juggling. I will run my dogs or go for a walk with friends. I distract myself with writing and advocacy work. Other days, when I can barely pry myself out of bed, I walk out of our bedroom and descend into the abyss. Sometimes, I don’t come out for many days. I don’t reach out to friends, I stop eating, I just plain old don’t see the point of doing anything anymore. This is the crater in the living room. Fortunately, Robert and I do not usually fall into the crater at the same time. Also, we are blessed with a wonderful group of friends and our church.
Today, my writing prompt was “Who would you like to spend the most time with?” The answer is obvious. I want to spend time with my offspring. I want to talk to them, hug them, laugh with them. But one is gone to heaven and the other has struck out on their own. This is a more unambiguous grief. Mercury is still alive, I hope, but we have not seen her in over 2 years. They too, are deeply missed.
Several nights ago, I was at a sign making gathering at St. Clement’s. We were making signs for peace, for pride, for protests, or anything we felt strongly about. There was a group of young girls there who brought me sheer joy just through their energy. They were engaged in sign making, pausing for snacks and random dance offs, and laughing hysterically, just enjoying being with their friends in a safe place. No adult was telling them to sit down, be quiet, to not be so much, to not call attention to them themselves. There was not an iPhone or iPad in sight. It was so refreshing to be around that young energy. It gave me a ray of hope for the upcoming generation of young women. I had forgotten how much I loved being surrounded by pre-teens and their utter exuberance in life. I made my signs and went home smiling.
Next weekend I am marching in the No Kings protest on Saturday, and volunteering at our church booth at Pride on Sunday. These are the things that get me out of bed in the morning when I really don’t want to emerge from my safe cocoon of blankets. Once I get out of the house, I am usually safe from the crater.
Ravi has a birthday on June 18. Mercury has a birthday on June 25. I really do not know how I am going to navigate these two days, but I will definitely be navigating them with Robert, outside of the house. For Ravi, we will go visit him in the chapel/columbarium. Then we might go for a long walk, or to the zoo or the conservatory. On the 25th, I will do what I do every day, which is to release my love for Mercury into the universe and hope that it somehow finds her. I remind myself that I am still a mom. I gave birth to two amazing children. They may not be in my arms, but they are never away from my heart.
Until the very end, Ravi was a doer. He was not passive. We will not be passive, either. I encourage you to involve yourselves with something greater than you. Go to a rally. Hug your kids. Help a random stranger. Be a good human. Peace, Harriet.
Harriet's Hedgehogs and Autism Advocacy 