World Juggling Day

Dear Ravi,

Yesterday was World Juggling Day. We met the Neverthriving at Minnehaha park, grilled, threw things in the air, walked on stilts, played with kendamas and romped with dogs. As I am less than 2 weeks out of surgery, I was just there for moral support. It was a beautiful day with lovely friends.

Earlier in the day, I met with an agent named Katharine. I had sent her my letter of query and my manuscript. She had only wanted 1o pages of it, but I could not figure out how to send only 10, so I sent her the whole thing and told her to stop after the first chapter. To my surprise, she read the entire document, said that her attention never wavered and that I had a strong, compelling writers voice. We spent a lot of time going over the letter of query, which I knew was my weak link. Her first suggestion is not to call myself a mother but an autism advocate and to play up the fact that I am a late diagnosed autistic woman with 2 autistic children whose autism manifests very differently. I had her on conference call and took at least 5 pages of scribbled notes. She was very encouraging and also suggested that I submit some of my essays to the Huffington Post to gain more readers. When we returned from the juggling party, I discovered that she had emailed me her notes from a seminar she gave on writing a letter of query. I was very touched and fired off a thank you note. She was slotted to speak with me for 15 minutes, but gave me 35 minutes of her time. It was time well spent. I feel like I have the ability to move forward on my letter of query. I also have some ideas to add to your story. She loved your story of falling in love with the school bus and said this made you seem very real to her. All in all, between talking to Katharine and celebrating World Juggling Day, it was a banner weekend. Today is Father’s Day and we are just lying low. I firmly believe that Daddy was and is the best daddy in the world for you and for Mercury. He loved you both unconditionally and always will.

Raya did something very brave today; she picked up a new toy and carried it around for a little while. She had no toys as a puppy and is only now learning how to play. She and the kitty have a nice relationship. They lie together and chase each other around. They are very gentle friends. Gloria is seeing her behavioral vet tomorrow to talk about her so called “special needs”. As long as she is fixed like glue to my side, she is fine, but she is very jealous of Raya. The two have not gotten in a fight in ages, mostly because I keep them separate and Raya goes out of her way to avoid Gloria. The other morning, something funny happened. I had Gloria and Jack out in the back yard. Suddenly, Raya pushed her way out. All 3 dogs froze, stared at each other and then ran in opposite directions! No one wanted to start anything. I called them inside one by one, and gave them lots of treats and praise. Slowly, we are all becoming a family, a pack.

I wonder what you are doing today. Alissa and I had so much fun talking about you on your birthday and remembering the good times. She is in town this week and Daddy hopes to take her out to the glider field next weekend. I haven’t seen any cardinals today, but we saw a whole bunch of baby turkeys earlier. They are very cute and fuzzy. I love you and miss you. Mom.

Happy birthday in heaven

Dear Ravi,

Yesterday was both bittersweet and magical. I had cardinal sightings pouring in from friends across the country. Obviously, you were out and about on your big day. How is it that you are 24 already? I am amazed. We started out the day at St Clement’s, meeting with Roberta on the parish green. We sat and talked, laughed, cried for several hours. The sun was shining, the crows were carrying on a lively conversation, and it was a perfect day to be outside. Later, Daddy and I went down to the chapel to see you. I am continually reminded of what Joy said when she interred your ashes. She said, “Ravi is not here.” She was very right. You are the sunshine on my face, the wind at my back, the bird song I hear lilting in the morning hours. For all of these things, I am very grateful.

Last night, after work, Alissa came over. It was like no time had passed since we had last met. We laughed, cried, howled, snorted, shared memories and food and 5 hours flew by. It was a magical evening. I am so grateful for all of our friends who wished you a happy birthday, touched base, sent cards, etc. I was deeply afraid that no one would remember you, but Ravi, our friends came through. You are deeply loved, remembered, and missed. The cherries on your tree are almost ripe. So far, the birds have not discovered them. The plan is to harvest them in a week or so and then make them into a pie for some dear friend. It seems a fitting tribute.

I am having a low energy day today. I think I poured all of my emotions and energy into yesterday and I don’t have anything left. That is more than okay. It is worth it; you are worth it. You were always worth it. Tomorrow is a busy day. I am meeting with an agent about your manuscript in the morning. In the afternoon is World Juggling Day at the park. In the evening is the opening ceremonies for the Special Olympics. I am resting today so I can fully take part in the activities tomorrow. Luka came to heaven last week. Have you caught up with him? He is a good boy and deeply missed by Laurie. You and Dave and Rosie can take good care of him. Please pray for you Uncle Rob. He is still battling a cancer that just won’t quit. I know that you are in a world without cancer, but we would like to keep Rob on earth with us a bit longer. I am about to go watch the World Cup. The pets will keep my company. I love you forever. Mom.

One Week Post Op

Dear Ravi,

I am one week out from surgery and slowly recovering. You would think I am very boring, all I want to do is sleep. The dogs are getting rather impatient with me; they want to go for walks! Nikki has been a good cat and is staying indoors. Your baby trees are growing like mad. I can see almost ripe cherries on the one tree and baby crab apples on the other. So far, the birds have not noticed them yet. My plan is to wait until all the cherries are ripe, pick them, and make a pie for a friend.

We are two days away from your birthday and I am in something of a fog. My Garmin can measure my heart rate, my stress levels, how far I travel in a day, but it cannot measure a broken a heart. The sky is blue, birds or singing, life goes on, but you are gone. I miss you deeply. On your birthday Daddy, Roberta and I will meet on the parish green to talk about you, laugh and cry. It seems a fitting way to honor your memory. We will also go into the chapel to visit your ashes, but I know that you are not truly there. You are outside where the wind blows and the birds fly free. I hope you have a wonderful celebration in heaven. Love you forever, Mom.

Home with Pets

Dear Ravi,

On Tuesday, I had my spinal fusion surgery. It was a success. My memories of the last 48 hours are a bit scattered. I remember being rolled into the OR and it was very bright and cold. I remember waking up in the PACU. The clock across the room said that it was 2:15 pm. I was happy because my fingers and toes still wiggled and I was not feeling any pain for the first time since last winter. An alarm kept going off and the nurse kept reminding me to breathe. I had a nasal cannula in and was not too concerned about it, but this seemed to be worrying the nurse. I spent a few hours in the PACU relearning how to breathe and waiting for a room upstairs to open up. In the interim, Daddy went home to feed and walk the dogs. Late last night there was a huge thunderstorm. My room had a big window looking out over a park and I lay there and watched the lightning for hours. It was amazing! I later found out that Daddy slept through the entire thing, even when part of our tree outside the bedroom window came crashing down. He must have been tired!

It is now 2:30 am on Thursday morning and Nikki and I are hanging out. I went to bed around 9pm last night and woke up around 1am, in pain. I do not like taking narcotics but reminded myself that I would not get a prize for gutting it through the pain. With some oxy and a muscle relaxer on board I am feeling much better, so I decided to write to you. Everyone who I met at Methodist Hospital was very nice, but I am happy to be home. Friends have been bringing by food, Daddy and my pets are only a few steps away, and there are no alarm bells ringing. I am having to relearn how to move my body in ways that will let my back heal. I cannot lift anything over 5 pounds and cannot do any BLT, or bending, lifting and twisting for at least 6 weeks. The pets are used to me picking them up, but are learning that if I sit down, they can either sit beside me or curl up in my lap. The PT and OT showed me how to shower safely and get into and out of bed, how to get dressed, but no one talked about how to take care of a 12-pound kitty who thinks that he is an arm cat! I can’t tell you how happy we are that Nikki did not stray too far from home and is safely back indoors.

Today is the day that Luka goes to heaven, so please keep your eyes open for him. As soon as he sees you and Dave and I know that he will feel right at home. Laurie, Joel, and a whole host of his admirers will mourn him deeply, but I know that our and Rosie will take good care of him. Warning! He likes to chase geese!

I am not really certain where this letter is going, but I am missing you and wanted to reach out. The animals have given up on me and have returned to bed, so maybe I should too. I love you forever. Mom.

Nikki on the loose!

Dear Ravi,

Thanks for checking in yesterday. As you know, today is the day before my surgery, but I have had little time to think about it. When Daddy was letting the dogs in for the last time last night, Nikki slipped out. We realized this early this morning when he did not show up for breakfast, and he is a very punctual eater. I put out a message on Lost Pets, Next Door, and our neighborhood Facebook page. Daddy and I spend hours scouring the neighborhood, rattling treat bags and calling. I had the feeling that he had not gone very far, as he is strictly an indoor kitty. Hours passed. I continued to look and call, climbing under porches and in and out of window wells. The neighbors probably think that I am nuts. News flash! I am! Anyway, I was sitting on the front porch calling and thought I heard a faint meow. It seemed to be coming from the corner of the house where the porch juts out from the bedroom. That area has a huge tree in it, as well as hostas and ferns that have grown wild. I waded in and then army crawled in the direction of the noise. There, in the farthest recesses up against the house was Nikki! His eyes were huge and he seemed frozen in place. He did not protest at all when I scooped him up and waded back out of the thicket. In the following hours, he has had a good drink, some dinner, and is hanging out with Raya. He seems none the worse for wear. Slowly, my adrenaline is coming back to baseline. Now, all the animals are asleep at my feet and I am exhausted. If you were part of Nikki’s homecoming, thank you very much. Order, for the moment, is restored.

We check in to the hospital at 9 am tomorrow. Surgery begins at 11 and should last about 2.5 hours. Penny will be sitting with Daddy in the waiting room. Lots of other people will call or text him tomorrow night to check in. I am hoping that I am only in the hospital overnight. I want to recover in my own home with Daddy and the pets. Luka will be joining you on Thursday. After we recovered the cat, Daddy and I went to sit with Laurie and Joel and give him lots of love. He definitely enjoyed it. I have fond memories of walking with you, Laurie, and Luka at the nature preserve. We had a lot of good times there. I haven’t seen any cardinals today, but I know that you are close by. I love you forever. Mom.

Survivors Day

Dear Ravi,

Happy Sunday. Daddy and I went to church this morning. No one showed up to help him with the AV equipment, but he did figure out how to make the microphones work. Hopefully, next Sunday a mentor will step in, and he can learn to do both streaming services as well as sound. Anyway, it all worked out! As Joy often says, we are just learning together. After services we went to the chapel to visit you. It was nice and cool there down, but I am certain that you are elsewhere having adventures with Cousin Joyce.

Today is the day that celebrates cancer survivors. You never got to celebrate that. Oh my goodness! You, in proper cardinal form, just showed up outside my window! Hello, my love. Great to see you. Never once have I said that you lost your battle to cancer. You did not lose a battle at all; medicine simply failed you. Full stop. You stayed with us as long as you were able and then Jesus took you by the hand and guided you home. This does not mean that I do not deeply miss and grieve you, but it does mean that I know that you are in a better place.

I am two days out from my spinal fusion. It feels like I have been waiting for months (actually, it has only been one month) but time has dragged. Suddenly, the surgery is right in my face, and I am more nervous that I would like to admit. We check in to the hospital on June 9 at 9:10 am. Surgery starts at 11:10 am and should last 2.5 hours. I should be in the PACU for a couple of hours after that and then transferred to a room. I hope to go home sometime on Wednesday. Penny is going to sit with Daddy while he is in the waiting room. Robin is stopping by the house midday to let the dogs out and give them some love. A dear friend from church has started a meal train. We are well taken care of. Mostly, I just want to get the surgery over with and head into recovery.

Please keep an eye out for Laurie’s dog, Luka. He should be arriving in heaven sometime this week. He will be deeply missed on earth, but you and Rosie, Dave and Joyce, can make him feel welcome. Today in heaven, Prince is celebrating his birthday. In his honor, Daddy and I are playing lots of his music. I will be talking to Jenn in a few minutes. Her son, Zach, is not a cancer survivor, either. We belong to the mom’s club where no one wants to be a member. It’s kind of a sucky club. We would rather skip the membership and have our sons back.

Just a quiet day here, rain is moving in. I am preoccupied with thinking about surgery, but I wanted to reach out to you. Fly high and fly free, my son. Love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Ravi, you are remembered

Dear Ravi,

Happy June and happy Pride. Is heaven full of rainbows? As you know, your Daddy and I signed up to walk the Brave Like Gabe 5km sometime this summer after my surgery. I reached out to Alissa Hawkins who directs this race to tell her how much it meant to me to run it last year, and how we were going to walk the 5km for you and for Gabe this year. She immediately wrote back and said that this made her very happy. Furthermore, she kept the Brave like Ravi sign I made last year and hung it on the wall in her office! She asked if I wanted it back, but I figured you were probably happier hanging out with her and other runners of good will.

It is 5 days until my spinal fusion. I am starting to get nervous. A month ago, it seemed like June 8 would never come, but right now it is coming at a very rapid rate. I just want to get the surgery over with and begin my recovery. Between various dog walks and a walk on my own yesterday I got in over 6 miles. I am slow, I am in pain, but anything beats sitting on the couch! Neither of us were ever very good at sitting still. Like us, the dogs also prefer to be in constant motion. I assume I will be moving rather slowly for a few weeks, but then I hope I am back to exploring the neighborhood and taking to dogs on jaunty adventures.

I have not seen any male cardinals lately, but I did see a female cardinal out doing bird things this morning. If you see a female cardinal, just know that mom is checking in with you. Your Alissa and Alan get into town in 4 days and we are greatly looking forward to seeing them. I am trying to plan fun things into my calendar this summer to distract me from post-surgical pain. Your Uncle Bob is out of the hospital and rehab center and doing well. He and his oncologist are hoping to start a clinical trial, maybe using CAR T cells this October. Please continue to pray for him. No word from Mercury. I dream of them often. Maybe someday they will come home. Maybe someday they will not think that their parents are the axis of evil. Someday…. I love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Brave Like Gabe, part 2

Dear Ravi,

Last year I ran a 5km race called Brave Like Gabe. Gabe was a local elite runner who passed away a few years ago of a rare cancer. Her family set up this memorial run to honor her and raise money for better research into osteosarcoma and other rare cancers. I was proud to run that race for you and for Gabe. As you know, I am having a spinal fusion on June 9. The race this year in on Gabe’s birthday, June 20. Somehow, I cannot see myself at the starting line. The good news is that one can walk or run this race virtually, anytime, any place over the summer. I will give myself a few weeks to heal and then your daddy and I will walk a 5 km for you and anyone else who has or had a rare cancer. The money all goes towards research which will hopefully bring us closer to a cure. I set up #TeamRavi for anyone who would like to run in your honor and raise money for an excellent cause. I am very excited about this. Recovery from this fusion will take months, but I am eager to walk for you, and walking is considered part of recovery.

Guess who called me last night? Alissa! She said that she was coaching her last swim session for Special Olympics in Hawaii and that a very animated cardinal joined her on the pool deck for a good 10 minutes. Unlike you, the cardinal was very engaged in the warmup activities. Though you loved Special Olympics, you never had the slightest interest in warming up. Alissa thought that your appearance at the pool and participating in warmups was hilarious. She said that she would have teased you about it, but she was too busy coaching. Anyway, she called to let me know that she had seen you out and about, living your best life. I am always ecstatic to get reports about you. Alissa is coming to the Twin Cities in 8 days and we will definitely be getting together with her and Alan. When you picked Alissa as your best friend, you made the best choice in the world. Another bonus is that she calls me mom, her second mom. I am so proud of her, and happy that I am still a mom to someone. You will always be my firstborn and I will love you forever, but I miss being able to hug you. I will give Alissa and Alan the biggest hugs ever!

This was a good week. Your daddy and I got to hang out with an amazing baby on Thursday and today we got to play with a litter of puppies. I firmly believe that when I get to heaven I will be with you, all the babies that need to be held and cuddled, and all the pets that we have loved and lost. My work here on earth is far from done, but I have a heavenly home to look forward to as well. Your daddy and I love you and Mercury very much, even if we can’t see either of you. We are proud to walk the Brave Like Gabe 5km for you and will continue to tell your story. Love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Ravi in a roller coaster

Good morning, Ravi! It is Memorial Day. Today we remember George Floyd who was taken from us too soon. His murder kicked off weeks of riots and turmoil in the Twin Cities. Thick black smoke covered the metro area. There were 8pm curfews. We still cringe at the sound of low flying helicopters. I hope that you and George are running free in heaven.

A few days ago, our friend Karen sent me a hilarious video. It was a male cardinal in a tree that was being buffeted by wind. No matter how hard the wind blew, that cardinal just hung on. In fact, it looked like he was having fun! It was a birdie roller coaster! I thought of how much you loved the roller coaster at Nickelodeon Universe. (Sorry, I still think of it as Camp Snoopy. Your mama is old.) You loved the roller coaster, and you loved the swings. I loved taking you on them. It was an out of body experience for both of us. It felt like flying, just like that cardinal. Are there roller coasters and swings in heaven?

Yesterday was a good day. We got to hang out with a very fun 4-year-old and went to a party with not one, but two, dogs! Your daddy played Bananagrams and I learned a new game with dominos. We spent hours just hanging out with our friends who have known and loved you since birth. There is not soaring today, so I think Daddy is going to mow the lawn. We will walk the dogs and play with the cat. This may not sound exciting to many people, but in our minds, it is the perfect kind of day.

I am 15 days out from my surgery unless something opens up first. I don’t want to take anyone’s surgery spot from them, but I would really like to get this spinal fusion out of the way. This will be a long summer of recovery, but that is better than sitting around being nervous about the fusion. You and Gloria thought I was really boring after my last surgery, all I wanted to do was sleep! After two weeks I perked up and was more fun, but healing takes time. I should only be in the hospital one night and I will take your prayer shawl and your courage blanket with me, so neither of us are ever alone. Right now, the kitty is asleep at my feet. Gloria is working on a bone. Jack Jack is trying to decide if it is worth the risk of trying to steal the bone. Raya is keeping a wide berth. She is definitely the smartest one of the bunch. She steers clear from drama, learns tricks super quickly, and adores Daddy. I know Rosie was our heart dog, but I think you would like Raya. She is a gentle soul. Guess what?! Alissa is coming to town in a few weeks! We get to see her and Alan. That is definitely something to look forward to after surgery. She is such a bright light in this world. You were so right when you chose her as your best friend. No word from Mercury, but we always pray for their safety and a reconciliation. I miss you and love you, sweet boy. Mom.

I Saw You!

Dear Ravi,

Daddy and I were out walking yesterday afternoon. Due to my neck and back problems, he walks the dogs and I man the trekking poles. Anyway, we were strolling down Summit Avenue and there was a male cardinal sitting on a lawn! I stopped and waved; you hopped about a bit, cocked your head and flew into a nearby shrub. Seeing you, in bird form, absolutely made my day. Your two trees are doing really well. I am thinking of adding a bird bath to the backyard in hoping to attract more of your feathered friends. What do you think?

My cervical spinal fusion is set for June 9, but I am at the top of the waiting list in case anyone ahead of me cancels. I don’t want to deprive anyone of their surgery, trust me, no one does back surgery just for fun, but I would really like to get this over with and start healing. There are different kinds of pain. There is the pain of healing after a major surgery and there is the pain of your body not being able to do anything that it wishes. I know that you are acutely aware of both pre- and post-surgical pain. If I could have gone through those surgeries for you, I would have done it in a heartbeat.

Right now, Daddy is out a lunch with Daniel, and I am hanging out with the pets. It is a rather low action scene. Your Uncle Rob is being released from the hospital today to a rehab facility where he can regain his strength and mobility. Fortunately, the rehab center is only half a mile from home, so family can easily visit him. Still, he has been in the hospital for nearly 2 weeks. As we both know that it is a very long time. I am so grateful that I will only be in the hospital for one night following my surgery. It is so much easier to sleep and recover at home. I left out several bags of clothes donations for the Epilepsy Foundation today. I did not touch any of your clothes. They still hang in your closet or lie in your dresser. To donate your clothes would make me feel like I was giving you away and I cannot bring myself to do it. I will take your courage quilt and your prayer shawl to the hospital so I can keep you close to me.

When Daddy returns from lunch we will take the dogs for a leisurely walk. Perhaps I will see you again! In the meantime, and forever, I love you to the moon and back. Mom.