Home with Pets

Dear Ravi,

On Tuesday, I had my spinal fusion surgery. It was a success. My memories of the last 48 hours are a bit scattered. I remember being rolled into the OR and it was very bright and cold. I remember waking up in the PACU. The clock across the room said that it was 2:15 pm. I was happy because my fingers and toes still wiggled and I was not feeling any pain for the first time since last winter. An alarm kept going off and the nurse kept reminding me to breathe. I had a nasal cannula in and was not too concerned about it, but this seemed to be worrying the nurse. I spent a few hours in the PACU relearning how to breathe and waiting for a room upstairs to open up. In the interim, Daddy went home to feed and walk the dogs. Late last night there was a huge thunderstorm. My room had a big window looking out over a park and I lay there and watched the lightning for hours. It was amazing! I later found out that Daddy slept through the entire thing, even when part of our tree outside the bedroom window came crashing down. He must have been tired!

It is now 2:30 am on Thursday morning and Nikki and I are hanging out. I went to bed around 9pm last night and woke up around 1am, in pain. I do not like taking narcotics but reminded myself that I would not get a prize for gutting it through the pain. With some oxy and a muscle relaxer on board I am feeling much better, so I decided to write to you. Everyone who I met at Methodist Hospital was very nice, but I am happy to be home. Friends have been bringing by food, Daddy and my pets are only a few steps away, and there are no alarm bells ringing. I am having to relearn how to move my body in ways that will let my back heal. I cannot lift anything over 5 pounds and cannot do any BLT, or bending, lifting and twisting for at least 6 weeks. The pets are used to me picking them up, but are learning that if I sit down, they can either sit beside me or curl up in my lap. The PT and OT showed me how to shower safely and get into and out of bed, how to get dressed, but no one talked about how to take care of a 12-pound kitty who thinks that he is an arm cat! I can’t tell you how happy we are that Nikki did not stray too far from home and is safely back indoors.

Today is the day that Luka goes to heaven, so please keep your eyes open for him. As soon as he sees you and Dave and I know that he will feel right at home. Laurie, Joel, and a whole host of his admirers will mourn him deeply, but I know that our and Rosie will take good care of him. Warning! He likes to chase geese!

I am not really certain where this letter is going, but I am missing you and wanted to reach out. The animals have given up on me and have returned to bed, so maybe I should too. I love you forever. Mom.

Nikki on the loose!

Dear Ravi,

Thanks for checking in yesterday. As you know, today is the day before my surgery, but I have had little time to think about it. When Daddy was letting the dogs in for the last time last night, Nikki slipped out. We realized this early this morning when he did not show up for breakfast, and he is a very punctual eater. I put out a message on Lost Pets, Next Door, and our neighborhood Facebook page. Daddy and I spend hours scouring the neighborhood, rattling treat bags and calling. I had the feeling that he had not gone very far, as he is strictly an indoor kitty. Hours passed. I continued to look and call, climbing under porches and in and out of window wells. The neighbors probably think that I am nuts. News flash! I am! Anyway, I was sitting on the front porch calling and thought I heard a faint meow. It seemed to be coming from the corner of the house where the porch juts out from the bedroom. That area has a huge tree in it, as well as hostas and ferns that have grown wild. I waded in and then army crawled in the direction of the noise. There, in the farthest recesses up against the house was Nikki! His eyes were huge and he seemed frozen in place. He did not protest at all when I scooped him up and waded back out of the thicket. In the following hours, he has had a good drink, some dinner, and is hanging out with Raya. He seems none the worse for wear. Slowly, my adrenaline is coming back to baseline. Now, all the animals are asleep at my feet and I am exhausted. If you were part of Nikki’s homecoming, thank you very much. Order, for the moment, is restored.

We check in to the hospital at 9 am tomorrow. Surgery begins at 11 and should last about 2.5 hours. Penny will be sitting with Daddy in the waiting room. Lots of other people will call or text him tomorrow night to check in. I am hoping that I am only in the hospital overnight. I want to recover in my own home with Daddy and the pets. Luka will be joining you on Thursday. After we recovered the cat, Daddy and I went to sit with Laurie and Joel and give him lots of love. He definitely enjoyed it. I have fond memories of walking with you, Laurie, and Luka at the nature preserve. We had a lot of good times there. I haven’t seen any cardinals today, but I know that you are close by. I love you forever. Mom.

Survivors Day

Dear Ravi,

Happy Sunday. Daddy and I went to church this morning. No one showed up to help him with the AV equipment, but he did figure out how to make the microphones work. Hopefully, next Sunday a mentor will step in, and he can learn to do both streaming services as well as sound. Anyway, it all worked out! As Joy often says, we are just learning together. After services we went to the chapel to visit you. It was nice and cool there down, but I am certain that you are elsewhere having adventures with Cousin Joyce.

Today is the day that celebrates cancer survivors. You never got to celebrate that. Oh my goodness! You, in proper cardinal form, just showed up outside my window! Hello, my love. Great to see you. Never once have I said that you lost your battle to cancer. You did not lose a battle at all; medicine simply failed you. Full stop. You stayed with us as long as you were able and then Jesus took you by the hand and guided you home. This does not mean that I do not deeply miss and grieve you, but it does mean that I know that you are in a better place.

I am two days out from my spinal fusion. It feels like I have been waiting for months (actually, it has only been one month) but time has dragged. Suddenly, the surgery is right in my face, and I am more nervous that I would like to admit. We check in to the hospital on June 9 at 9:10 am. Surgery starts at 11:10 am and should last 2.5 hours. I should be in the PACU for a couple of hours after that and then transferred to a room. I hope to go home sometime on Wednesday. Penny is going to sit with Daddy while he is in the waiting room. Robin is stopping by the house midday to let the dogs out and give them some love. A dear friend from church has started a meal train. We are well taken care of. Mostly, I just want to get the surgery over with and head into recovery.

Please keep an eye out for Laurie’s dog, Luka. He should be arriving in heaven sometime this week. He will be deeply missed on earth, but you and Rosie, Dave and Joyce, can make him feel welcome. Today in heaven, Prince is celebrating his birthday. In his honor, Daddy and I are playing lots of his music. I will be talking to Jenn in a few minutes. Her son, Zach, is not a cancer survivor, either. We belong to the mom’s club where no one wants to be a member. It’s kind of a sucky club. We would rather skip the membership and have our sons back.

Just a quiet day here, rain is moving in. I am preoccupied with thinking about surgery, but I wanted to reach out to you. Fly high and fly free, my son. Love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Ravi, you are remembered

Dear Ravi,

Happy June and happy Pride. Is heaven full of rainbows? As you know, your Daddy and I signed up to walk the Brave Like Gabe 5km sometime this summer after my surgery. I reached out to Alissa Hawkins who directs this race to tell her how much it meant to me to run it last year, and how we were going to walk the 5km for you and for Gabe this year. She immediately wrote back and said that this made her very happy. Furthermore, she kept the Brave like Ravi sign I made last year and hung it on the wall in her office! She asked if I wanted it back, but I figured you were probably happier hanging out with her and other runners of good will.

It is 5 days until my spinal fusion. I am starting to get nervous. A month ago, it seemed like June 8 would never come, but right now it is coming at a very rapid rate. I just want to get the surgery over with and begin my recovery. Between various dog walks and a walk on my own yesterday I got in over 6 miles. I am slow, I am in pain, but anything beats sitting on the couch! Neither of us were ever very good at sitting still. Like us, the dogs also prefer to be in constant motion. I assume I will be moving rather slowly for a few weeks, but then I hope I am back to exploring the neighborhood and taking to dogs on jaunty adventures.

I have not seen any male cardinals lately, but I did see a female cardinal out doing bird things this morning. If you see a female cardinal, just know that mom is checking in with you. Your Alissa and Alan get into town in 4 days and we are greatly looking forward to seeing them. I am trying to plan fun things into my calendar this summer to distract me from post-surgical pain. Your Uncle Bob is out of the hospital and rehab center and doing well. He and his oncologist are hoping to start a clinical trial, maybe using CAR T cells this October. Please continue to pray for him. No word from Mercury. I dream of them often. Maybe someday they will come home. Maybe someday they will not think that their parents are the axis of evil. Someday…. I love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Brave Like Gabe, part 2

Dear Ravi,

Last year I ran a 5km race called Brave Like Gabe. Gabe was a local elite runner who passed away a few years ago of a rare cancer. Her family set up this memorial run to honor her and raise money for better research into osteosarcoma and other rare cancers. I was proud to run that race for you and for Gabe. As you know, I am having a spinal fusion on June 9. The race this year in on Gabe’s birthday, June 20. Somehow, I cannot see myself at the starting line. The good news is that one can walk or run this race virtually, anytime, any place over the summer. I will give myself a few weeks to heal and then your daddy and I will walk a 5 km for you and anyone else who has or had a rare cancer. The money all goes towards research which will hopefully bring us closer to a cure. I set up #TeamRavi for anyone who would like to run in your honor and raise money for an excellent cause. I am very excited about this. Recovery from this fusion will take months, but I am eager to walk for you, and walking is considered part of recovery.

Guess who called me last night? Alissa! She said that she was coaching her last swim session for Special Olympics in Hawaii and that a very animated cardinal joined her on the pool deck for a good 10 minutes. Unlike you, the cardinal was very engaged in the warmup activities. Though you loved Special Olympics, you never had the slightest interest in warming up. Alissa thought that your appearance at the pool and participating in warmups was hilarious. She said that she would have teased you about it, but she was too busy coaching. Anyway, she called to let me know that she had seen you out and about, living your best life. I am always ecstatic to get reports about you. Alissa is coming to the Twin Cities in 8 days and we will definitely be getting together with her and Alan. When you picked Alissa as your best friend, you made the best choice in the world. Another bonus is that she calls me mom, her second mom. I am so proud of her, and happy that I am still a mom to someone. You will always be my firstborn and I will love you forever, but I miss being able to hug you. I will give Alissa and Alan the biggest hugs ever!

This was a good week. Your daddy and I got to hang out with an amazing baby on Thursday and today we got to play with a litter of puppies. I firmly believe that when I get to heaven I will be with you, all the babies that need to be held and cuddled, and all the pets that we have loved and lost. My work here on earth is far from done, but I have a heavenly home to look forward to as well. Your daddy and I love you and Mercury very much, even if we can’t see either of you. We are proud to walk the Brave Like Gabe 5km for you and will continue to tell your story. Love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Ravi in a roller coaster

Good morning, Ravi! It is Memorial Day. Today we remember George Floyd who was taken from us too soon. His murder kicked off weeks of riots and turmoil in the Twin Cities. Thick black smoke covered the metro area. There were 8pm curfews. We still cringe at the sound of low flying helicopters. I hope that you and George are running free in heaven.

A few days ago, our friend Karen sent me a hilarious video. It was a male cardinal in a tree that was being buffeted by wind. No matter how hard the wind blew, that cardinal just hung on. In fact, it looked like he was having fun! It was a birdie roller coaster! I thought of how much you loved the roller coaster at Nickelodeon Universe. (Sorry, I still think of it as Camp Snoopy. Your mama is old.) You loved the roller coaster, and you loved the swings. I loved taking you on them. It was an out of body experience for both of us. It felt like flying, just like that cardinal. Are there roller coasters and swings in heaven?

Yesterday was a good day. We got to hang out with a very fun 4-year-old and went to a party with not one, but two, dogs! Your daddy played Bananagrams and I learned a new game with dominos. We spent hours just hanging out with our friends who have known and loved you since birth. There is not soaring today, so I think Daddy is going to mow the lawn. We will walk the dogs and play with the cat. This may not sound exciting to many people, but in our minds, it is the perfect kind of day.

I am 15 days out from my surgery unless something opens up first. I don’t want to take anyone’s surgery spot from them, but I would really like to get this spinal fusion out of the way. This will be a long summer of recovery, but that is better than sitting around being nervous about the fusion. You and Gloria thought I was really boring after my last surgery, all I wanted to do was sleep! After two weeks I perked up and was more fun, but healing takes time. I should only be in the hospital one night and I will take your prayer shawl and your courage blanket with me, so neither of us are ever alone. Right now, the kitty is asleep at my feet. Gloria is working on a bone. Jack Jack is trying to decide if it is worth the risk of trying to steal the bone. Raya is keeping a wide berth. She is definitely the smartest one of the bunch. She steers clear from drama, learns tricks super quickly, and adores Daddy. I know Rosie was our heart dog, but I think you would like Raya. She is a gentle soul. Guess what?! Alissa is coming to town in a few weeks! We get to see her and Alan. That is definitely something to look forward to after surgery. She is such a bright light in this world. You were so right when you chose her as your best friend. No word from Mercury, but we always pray for their safety and a reconciliation. I miss you and love you, sweet boy. Mom.

I Saw You!

Dear Ravi,

Daddy and I were out walking yesterday afternoon. Due to my neck and back problems, he walks the dogs and I man the trekking poles. Anyway, we were strolling down Summit Avenue and there was a male cardinal sitting on a lawn! I stopped and waved; you hopped about a bit, cocked your head and flew into a nearby shrub. Seeing you, in bird form, absolutely made my day. Your two trees are doing really well. I am thinking of adding a bird bath to the backyard in hoping to attract more of your feathered friends. What do you think?

My cervical spinal fusion is set for June 9, but I am at the top of the waiting list in case anyone ahead of me cancels. I don’t want to deprive anyone of their surgery, trust me, no one does back surgery just for fun, but I would really like to get this over with and start healing. There are different kinds of pain. There is the pain of healing after a major surgery and there is the pain of your body not being able to do anything that it wishes. I know that you are acutely aware of both pre- and post-surgical pain. If I could have gone through those surgeries for you, I would have done it in a heartbeat.

Right now, Daddy is out a lunch with Daniel, and I am hanging out with the pets. It is a rather low action scene. Your Uncle Rob is being released from the hospital today to a rehab facility where he can regain his strength and mobility. Fortunately, the rehab center is only half a mile from home, so family can easily visit him. Still, he has been in the hospital for nearly 2 weeks. As we both know that it is a very long time. I am so grateful that I will only be in the hospital for one night following my surgery. It is so much easier to sleep and recover at home. I left out several bags of clothes donations for the Epilepsy Foundation today. I did not touch any of your clothes. They still hang in your closet or lie in your dresser. To donate your clothes would make me feel like I was giving you away and I cannot bring myself to do it. I will take your courage quilt and your prayer shawl to the hospital so I can keep you close to me.

When Daddy returns from lunch we will take the dogs for a leisurely walk. Perhaps I will see you again! In the meantime, and forever, I love you to the moon and back. Mom.

A prayer, a guttural groan

Dear Ravi,

Today was the last day of Youth Formation. I have watched my little group grow and learn so much since last September. I will miss the kids and the other formation teachers. Spending Sunday mornings with them and then going to services gets my week off to a perfect start. There has been a lot of action at the Capitol this week, mostly about preventing gun violence. The gun violence prevention act sailed through the Senate, but got hung up in the House, with a certain Republican leader who refused to hold a vote. Lawmakers, parents, teachers, and those affected by gun violence staged a 36 hour sit in, never once leaving the Capitol. To the best of my knowledge, a vote has yet to be taken and the term ends at midnight tonight. I am holding the students and parents of Ascension Catholic School in my heartfelt prayers. Their lives were destroyed on August 27 when a lone gunmen waged mayhem on these children, teachers, and parents who had assembled for mass. As long as I have taught in Catholic schools, I have always told my students that is something bad were to occur, run to the church, where Jesus would hold them safe. For 29 years I firmly believed that church meant sanctuary. On August 27, 2025, my words were made a lie. That day, my friend Roberta and I fled to the green at St Clement’s, because we felt it was the only place that could hold our grief. For hours, we held vigil. I don’t know if it helped or not. Two children were slaughtered; many more were injured. Scores of students and teachers still hold trauma and shrapnel in their bones. Ravi, my voice cries out to heaven, when will this end? Can God recognize my guttural cry as a kind of prayer? It is a beautiful day today, perfect for going on walks with dogs or riding bikes. You cannot do that anymore and sometimes I rage at God. People tell me that my faith is so strong, but like Job, I am crying out in my grief and in my brokenness. Please tell me you are somewhere where everything is full of mercy, justice, forgiveness and truth.

On a different note, your Uncle Rob is recovering well from his two surgeries and should transfer to a rehabilitation facility tomorrow. Please keep him and your Aunt Cindy in your prayers. They have had a really long week!

I just left a note for my surgeon’s nurse in My Chart. My balance is completely off, and I have numbness in all 4 extremities. I really do not want to wait another 23 days until surgery. I am in pain, my body does not want to work, and I make a lousy couch potato. Does this sound familiar? Both you and I hated sitting still. There are too many interesting things in the world to explore and discover. You were so patient and kind all through the 22 months of your illness. I will try to use try to model myself after you. You were brave even when cancer gave you so many reasons to lose hope. Ravi, I miss you in ways that words cannot begin to express. I am dreading June, a month which holds your birthday and your Mercury’s as well. In my heart you are always 22. “My words fly up, my thoughts remain below, words without thoughts to heaven ne’er shall go.” Macbeth was correct. Lady Macbeth was also correct, “Hell is murky.” I feel that our entire world is murky right now. There is little sanctity for life, be it in Minneapolis or Gaza. Again, I let loose a guttural groan at the sky. Please know that I love you and Mercury, wherever you both may be. I hold you both deep in my heart and my soul. Fly free my son, Mom.

19 months

Dear Ravi,

I meant to write to you two days ago, but our internet was down. I thought of you, as I am always thinking of you, on the May 11th, 19 months after you left us. Today I am thinking of our dear cousin Joyce, who was an unstoppable force of nature. Today, she is celebrating her 11th anniversary in heaven. I am positive that you and she are running around heaven with a pile of pets causing “good trouble”.

The dogs have been raising a lively racket this morning as the internet technician has been in and out of the house numerous times. The cat has decamped and probably will not come out until dinner. He is a peace loving creature, except when he decides to ambush Jack Jack who then screams dramatically. At any rate, we have internet services again, but at a much higher rate than we did a few days ago.

Your Uncle Rob has come through both of his surgeries, but not without a lot of pain and an Addison’s crash. The surgeon reported that there was not much left of his his femur, it was more like a wet sponge than a bone. The tumor had also grown significantly since his last scan, 3 weeks ago. Please continue to pray for his healing. Pray for calm and strength for your Aunt Cindy.

I am moving slowly today but looking forward to a walk with a friend. Like us, he is very peripatetic and thinks best on his feet. We can walk and talk for hours. Often, our conversations are about autism and advocacy. We both feel strongly that there is not enough attention given to adults with severe autism. People seem to forget that autism lasts a lifetime, one does not age out of it at 22 when services end. One does not ride away from their struggles on a magical unicorn. The struggles continue and usually only the direct families see it. Caretakers are lauded for being “brave” or “self-sacrificing” but are never given a break or the slightest semblance of respite. I was planning on going to AUSM Steps of Hope this Sunday to advocate for better services, but my neck is not letting me drive anywhere so I will go to my last day of Sunday School instead. I loved teaching Youth Formation this year and definitely plan to do it again in the fall, as well as working on the Gather committee. In these ways, I will honor your memory. I am also thinking of doing a fundraiser for the Osteosarcoma Institute on your 24th birthday. I will ask people to donate $24 in your memory and do something kind for someone else. I got this idea from Jen and Jon, who did a very similar thing to celebrate what would have been Zack’s 21st birthday. Since I got a haircut that day, I tipped my stylist 21% in his honor.

I am on the surgery waiting list in case an opening comes up before June 11th. My goal before then is to keep my body in as good shape as possible so hopefully my recovery will be a non-issue. All I remember from my last surgery was that I slept a lot, and you and Gloria thought that I was really boring! Sending you and Joyce all of my love. Hug Rosie for me, as well Sadie and all the other pets we have loved and lost. Love you forever, Mom.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Dear Ravi,

This is my second attempt at a blog. I was just about to post a letter to you an hour ago when I lost my WIFI connection and poof! the blog was gone. Right then, daddy came in from the airfield with a dozen red roses for me. I am feeling very loved. Mother’s Day hits a bit different when you have lost a child, when you are estranged from a child, or both. I am absolutely overwhelmed by the number of cards, letters, notes, and gifts that I have received today. It is a complete outpouring of love. I got to talk to Jenn, my bereavement peer who wished me a “Happy F’ing Mother’s Day”, and we talked about how weird it is that you and Zack are no longer here, but we are certain that you are having a much better time in heaven. We imagined the two of you running around, eating candy, crushing on pretty girls, going to favorite places, and causing good trouble with Cousin Joyce. She is one of the few moms I can really go deep with because she intimately knows what it is like to lose a child to osteosarcoma. This is the club that no parent wants to belong to.

I clearly remember my first mother’s day. We took you to church and all the moms got flowers and a special blessing. I was so happy to be your mom and nothing can ever take away that joy. Last year I planted lots of flowers in the garden. Planting is not in the cards for me right now, due to my neck instability and the neuropathy in my hands and feet. I am hiring Daniel’s nephew to come over, pull up weeds and spread out mulch for me later this week. I love to garden but I will have to let someone else do all the work this summer. I will continue to baby my indoor plants and water your trees.

Daddy spent today out at the airfield as FOO but did not get to fly. Hopefully, he can fly later this week. I definitely want to go up in a glider this summer, but it will have to wait until late July or early August, when I am recovered enough from surgery not to wear a brace. It sounds strange to be looking forward to surgery, but I am. Surgery will hopefully fix the instability and cure the neuropathy. After my last fusion there was some post-surgical discomfort, but it was outweighed tremendously by how much better I felt almost immediately. My first thought was that I could wiggle my toes and feel all my extremities, so I knew that the surgery was successful.

Please pray for your Uncle Rob. He is having 2 major surgeries in the next 2 days. Steady the surgeons’ hands, let them successfully embolize his tumor and then rebuild his femur and hip. He should be in the hospital for about a week, and then possibly in a rehab facility after that. My God’s holy presence sit with Cindy as she waits for news from the surgeon. May God be with your cousins Aaron and Robbie. I will be lighting lots of candles and praying without ceasing tomorrow. As always, April and Rick will be joining us in prayer. I am convinced that they have a direct pipeline to God.

I wonder what Mercury is doing today and if they miss you. They never showed up for you during your illness, so I have my doubts. The people in life that show up during hardships, illnesses, and crises as the ones that you always want around you. Blood does not make you family. People that hold you in prayer and hold you in their arms are the ones that truly matter. You were blessed by so many loving people in your short life, and these same people continue to show up for Daddy and for me. We will always be grateful.

The dogs are running around the backyard. Nikki is crashed out at my feet after playing with his new catnip mouse. Raya is hanging out with daddy. Both Jenn and I agree that we have to have a houseful of pets. We thrive on the noise and the furry chaos. This is going to be a short blog as my mind is thinking one thing to write and my hands are doing something completely different. I have the feeling I will not be doing a lot of letters of query this summer as I cannot coordinate my mind and my fingers. It is a beautiful day outside. I know that you and Zack are running free where there is no fear, pain or cancer. Someday, I will hold you in my arms again. In the meantime, I will keep telling your story. I will advocate for autism and osteosarcoma. I will fight for better outcomes. I love you to the moon and back. Mom.