Ravi Dive Bombed Me!

Dear Ravi,

Truly you were feeling your oats today! I had not seen you in several days. A friend asked me if cardinals migrate, but I said that I don’t think all of them, as I have seen them hanging around in the winter. Anyway, this morning started off quietly enough. I took Jack Jack and Gloria on a 5 mile walk along the river with a friend. We walked to Dave’s bench and then took a little trail that carried us along a creek. It is so dry here there was scarcely any water to be seen or hears. On my return home Raya seemed to have a serious case of FOMO. She wanted to go for a walk with Daddy and me. Daddy suggested that I slip out the back door and he would take her out the front. We are working on getting her more used to going places with Dad. So, I walked around the house and was waiting on the top steps for them to emerge. Suddenly, a male juvenile cardinal flew out of the tree next to our bedroom and was aimed straight at my knees! At the last possible moment, he shot upwards into my face, so we were seeing eye to eye. Clearly, this cardinal was living his best life. After giving me the hairy eyeball he swooped into the neighbors’ tree. As he bopped off, I could swear I heard him laughing. I firmly believe that it was you, just popping in the say hello, checking out your home, and jubilantly flying off again. It was so good to see you. You often come to me in my dreams, but I have had fewer face to face encounters. Hello!

As you know, we were in Indiana 2 weeks ago helping your Aunt Cindy as Rob was once again in the hospital. Shortly after we left, he was transferred to an acute care rehabilitation facility. He stayed there for 2 weeks, Cindy was trained in his cares, and he came home. Sadly, he lasted at home less than 15 hours. He became spastic and non-responsive and Cindy once again called 911. He spent much of the day in the ER. CT scans showed a brain bleed and numerous lesions on his brain, including one on the parietal lobe. After a long day he was transferred into the ICU. Today he is much more alert and cheerful and should be moved into the regular neurology ward. He is adamantly in favor of doing whole brain radiation, though it may only garner him a month or more left to live. Being your uncle Rob, he is still fighting, still looking forward. I ask you to join in Cindy’s prayer that Rob can remain being Rob, with little pain, until he feels that it is time to leave. Please hold him, Cindy, and your cousins Aaron and Robbie in your prayers. We are leaving town soon to help them, returning at the very end of August. Chris, our amazing pet and house sitter will be holding the helm here. No need to dive bomb him, he is a lovely person and speaks fluent Australian Shepherd.

Thank you so much for surprising me today. I was a wee bit startled, but more delighted than everything else. I will continue to look for you. Jen says that there is a Democrat running for office in her town and that his name is Ravi! She voted for him. Truly you are famous. I keep receiving refusals from agents, but one was actually really nice. She said that your story was compelling and it did not quite fit her needs, but that there are tons of other agents who might like it and to keep trying. Ravi, I will keep trying.

The dogs are at my feet, Daddy is making dinner, and all is peaceful. The only thing missing is your and Mercury. I miss and love you both. Mom.

Cardinals sing for me

Dear Ravi,

Yesterday was a lovely yet bittersweet day at church. There was beautiful music and a light breeze wafting through the open windows. There were only women serving at the altar. The organ swelled and billowed amazing music. In the midst of this beauty, I realized once again that I can no longer sing. I have not sung since you left us. I have not played the piano since you slipped away. My musical muse is gone. I am grateful that my writing muse has stayed the course, but I can no longer sing or practice piano. Both have been a huge part of my life since I was a little kid. Suddenly I am thinking of the song The Day the Music Died. Ravi, my musical muse died with you. When I am joined with you again, I will sing. Until then, I listen to and enjoy the choir and the organ. Daddy still plays the piano occasionally, and I enjoy listening to him. I am afraid if I touch the keyboard I will crack into one thousand little pieces.

After church I slipped down to see you. The chapel was cool and inviting. I spent a long time with my hand on your niche, talking to you and praying for you. My love, I miss you.

The highlight of the weekend was a visit from Karen, Hannah’s mom. We spent a wonderful day together. She gifted the dogs with toys and us with a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle that she said reminded her of you. The puzzle is a clothes line full of goofy socks, surrounded by birds and flowers. We are absolutely charmed. Daddy and I got it out last night and got most of the edge pieces sorted out. We figure it will take about a week to finish, and it is time very well spent as it reminds us of you. The major battle is keeping Nikki off the table and not letting him bat the puzzle pieces. The dogs are not much interested.

I found out that Shirley was the one who sent us the fuzzy cardinal blanket. Thank you, Shirley. It was so good to talk to you the other evening. The blanket is the perfect weight to curl up under while I am writing. Adding to the cardinal motif, I heard a pair of cardinals singing yesterday. Cardinals have now become my voice. I can’t sing, but they certainly can!

All of this is to say that I love you and miss you. Our friends remember you fondly. Your legacy lives on in the hearts of those who love you. You are never alone. I am still trying to find an agent to represent your book. Mostly what I am getting is agents that say I have an interesting concept but they are not looking for memoirs at this time. Sigh. I will keep trying. I love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Democracy, Ravi!

Dear Ravi,

Tuesday was a great day for democracy in Minnesota, and other states that had primary elections. To our delight, Peggy Flanagan beat out Angie Craig and will run for MN senator in the fall, hopefully replacing Tina Smith who is stepping down. Amy Klobachar handily won the Democratic vote for Senator. Mike Lindell, the pillow guy, is crying into this pillow and claiming fraud. He is blaming everyone from immigrants to people in Venezuela. Whatever, dude. It was a great day for progressive democracy in our state. I know that you would be proud. After a few victory parties, it is time to focus our attentions on the midterm elections in November. You know as well as the rest of us how important those are. Once again, I will cast my ballot with you and Mercury firmly in mind. I certainly hope that they have enough sense to get out and vote. Whether they know it or not, their future well -being is on the line.

Yesterday was a good day. I got together with Robin for coffee and Pam for a dog walk. She is still trying to find a home for her foster puppy, Callaway. He is super cute and smart. If you know of anyone in the universe who needs a lovely puppy, please send them to Pam or to Safe Hands Rescue. Today, all three of our dogs have dates. I am walking Jack Jack and Gloria with Lucia at 8am and then Raya with Laurie at 10 am. Laurie and I will meet at the nature preserve. Do you remember when we used to walk there and check out the baby owlets? To me, that seems both like yesterday and a lifetime ago. I hope that there are owlets in heaven.

I talked to Jenn on Monday about being a peer bereavement mentor. I will do the training in November. I want other bereaved parents to know that they do not have to walk this path alone. You and Zach will always be remembered. Other parents who have suffered a loss should know that their precious child is remembered as well. I remember you when I see something funny and I laugh. I remember you when I cry out in anguish because you are so missed. You are my first thought when I awaken and my last thought as I drift off to sleep. Ravi, as we fight for a more progressive democracy, know that I always carry you with me. Love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Primary Day!

Dear Ravi,

Minnesota and Wisconsin have primary elections today. I was up bright and early at our polling place. The foot traffic was brisk and there were more than a few people signing up to vote for the first time. Everyone was smiling, directing people, and handing out stickers. It was a very upbeat place. I voted a straight Democratic ticket for you and for Mercury. I will always have your best interests at heart. I wish you could have been there with me.

Before voting I took Jack Jack to the vet for his dental cleaning. The techs all made a big fuss over him, and he happily trotted into the back to garner more belly rubs. He will be spending most of the day there and I will walk Gloria and Raya. Daddy was going to soar today but there is a low indefinite ceiling and looks like there is little lift. Right now, he is sleeping the sleep of the just. I think we are still recovering from the last week of travel, family, and friends. It is very good to be home where things are peaceful and pets are plenty.

I have a meeting with Jenn today, my bereavement peer and plan to talk to her about becoming a peer mentor. Talking with her is one of the highlights of my week and I want to pass that on to others, parents who have lost a child. Together, we will keep the memories of our children alive and well.

This is just a short note today. I just wanted to let you know that I voted and will vote again in November. I am sitting in my favorite reading chair surrounded by pictures of cardinals. Gloria is lying at my feet, hoping for a walk. Nikki is snoozing. I miss you. I love you forever. Mom.

Thank you!

Dear Friends,

Robert and I just returned from a trip to Indiana to help his siter and her husband. Though it was lovely to see them we are very happy to be back with our pets, celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. An Amazon package showed up this morning. It held a wonderfully soft and fuzzy blanket with cardinals all over it. Robert and I were charmed. Unfortunately, we do not know who sent it to us. We would love to know so that we can send a thank you card. If you are reading this and just sent us an amazon package, could you please let your presence be known? It is a welcome addition to our burgeoning cardinal collection.

I want to remind everyone that tomorrow is the day to vote in the primaries, if you have not already voted. We plan to be at our local polling place bright and early tomorrow. Ravi was very proud to vote for Biden in 2020. Please carry on his legacy by casting your ballot. I do not need to remind anyone that a lot is riding on the primaries and the voting this November. We cannot afford for anyone to sit this out, stay at home, or to think that their vote does not matter. Let Ravi and me assure you, your vote matters. Go vote!

All of the critters are happy to have us back. Nikki is purring. Raya, Gloria, and Jack Jack have lots to say and have happily strewn bones all over the house. Catherine gets up occasionally to run on her wheel and eat bugs. We spent a wonderful weekend with our Virginia friends, Etta, Denny, and Rich. We went to the Como Zoo, cooed at all the animals, rode the carousel, and toured the US Bank Stadium. It was a full day, but a wonderful time was had by all.

Now that we are home I am continuing to write and research how to be a better writer. My goal is to send out at least 15 letters of query to agents every month. I am determined not to let Ravi’s story just live in my computer and my blog but spread it to the wider world at large. Did you know that at least 7 children in the US die from cancer every day? Did you know that the treatments for osteosarcoma are over 40 years old and that pediatric cancers make up less than 4% of the annual American Cancer Society budget? I will always be an autism advocate, but now I am an osteosarcoma advocate as well. 4 years ago, we had never even heard of osteosarcoma. On December 9, 2022, our world went sideways and has never come back to normal. It never will come back to normal. There is a new normal, but it is always laden by grief and loss. Thank you for letting me share our story with you. Thank you for all the random cardinal gifts and cards. You have no idea how much they mean to us. Be good humans, go vote, and I will be in touch. Cheers! Harriet.

Cardinals and Thank You

Dear Readers,

First of all, thank you so much for your support during the month of July. As you know, it was Sarcoma Awareness Month. Throughout the month you commented on my blogs and posts, donated graciously to the Ravi Herndon Trust through the Osteosarcoma Institute, and providing ongoing love and support. Robert and I are overwhelmed. We know that the spirit of Ravi lives on in your love and the stories that you share.

Speaking of Ravi; I was returning from a dog walk this morning. I have a flag on my lawn with cardinals on it, given to me by my dear friend, Karen. As the Raya and I pulled into the yard, there was a male juvenile cardinal sitting on the cardinal sign! Ravi was paying us a visit. I greeted him warmly and he cocked his head at me. A minute later he flew into a nearby tree, stretched his wings and preened. It is obvious that our boy is feeling good this morning.

This is only a brief blog, but we have been on this journey together for a long time. By your thoughts, words, and actions we have never been alone. I want you to know that this is deeply appreciated. Be good humans and we will be in touch. Harriet.

There Appears to have been a Struggle

Dear Ravi,

Every day I get a new writing prompt which I do not usually bother to read or follow. Today was different. The prompt was What is your Home Decorating Style? This strikes me as funny. I didn’t know that I had a home decorating style. My home is decorated by pets, both furry and quilled, copious amounts of books, music, CDs and an upright piano.. The house is over 100 years old and comes equipped with its own poltergeist. The floors and furniture are tastefully decorated with a heavy layer of dog fur. It does not matter how often I vacuum or sweep, the fur always returns. In the wet or snowy seasons, the back entry way is decorated with little paw prints. The windows are graciously covered in little doggie nose prints. One can walk into our house and feel that some sort of epic struggle went on right before one darkened the door. Was the struggle with a dog, a cat, a hedgehog, the poltergeist? No one knows and the animals are not talking. The ghost offered no comment and flitted off.

When people walk into our home, I want them to feel comfortable. We have inviting chairs and interesting things to read or look at. We are not formal at all. 24 years ago, you taught me just to roll with the curveballs that life lobs at me and I have followed your lead ever since. We set up this home so you and your sibling Mercury would feel safe and loved. Your artwork was on the fridge. Swings hung from various entry ways and in the basement. Until you outgrew it there was always a mini trampoline on hand, in case someone had an irrepressible urge to bounce. Martha Steward would clutch her pearls if she saw my kitchen. It is set up for the convenience of your daddy and me and our collection of pets. My reading chair in in the corner under the windows and the cat has tastefully decorated the chair with his very own claws, thank you Nikki.

Anyway, this prompt made me laugh and do some writing for fun. I have spent all day working on your manuscript, a plot synopsis and a letter of query. I enjoy this kind of cerebral work. I am delighted that 7 weeks out of surgery I can now focus for hours at a time. It was also refreshing to write something completely different!

Daddy just got home from the airfield. He is very happy because he was aloft for 2 hours and 53 minutes. There was no wind here, but there was good lift out at Stanton. He is now busy rehydrating. Gloria is happy that we are both in the same room and she does not have herd anyone. Raya is happy because Gloria is having a moment of calm. Anyway, just wanted to touch base. I will talk to Jenn tomorrow about being a bereavement peer and when I can do the necessary training. For tonight, however, I will be a creature of leisure, happy in our comfortable home. Love you forever. Mom.

Thoughts on Osteosarcoma

Dear Ravi,

July is Sarcoma awareness month, and it is winding to a close. We are touched by all the friends who reached out with memories of you, donated to the Osteosarcoma Institute, or just volunteered a kind word. The words thank you simply do not express our deep gratitude. There were all sorts of statistics that were on social media about Osteosarcoma. Some of them were correct and a few of them were simply very wrong. I saw one statistic that claimed that there was a 70% survival rate at the 5-year mark. Maybe this is true if the cancer was stage one. I highly doubt it. Osteosarcoma is a sneaky, devious cancer. It hides deep in the body and often is stage 4 before it is ever caught. The 5-year survival rate at that point is about 30% and that does not factor in the other cancers that may come later from treatment, the kidney disease, the heart problems, or the potential of going blind or deaf. In short, the statistics are really grim and treatments for Osteosarcoma are over 40 years old. So, we continue to fight and to advocate for better outcomes. I will always be an autism advocate, but I will also be an osteosarcoma advocate. I can wear more than one hat.

The weather is super hot and muggy. Daddy is faithfully watering your trees every night and they are doing well. I can’t say as much for the rest of the yard. I was out walking the other day and wondering what I can do to honor your upcoming second anniversary in heaven. Just then a cardinal swooped in front of me. I thought about my recent conversation with Jenn, my bereavement peer, and it occurred to me that the most useful way that I can honor you is to become a bereavement peer myself. Jenn came into my life when I was completely overcome with grief and not even functional. We meet every week and talked about all sorts of things. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry Sometimes we swear a lot. Our dogs wander in and out of our zoom meetings. We share snarky texts and cute animal photos all during the week. I want to be a light in someone’s grief like Jenn is for me. I am not going to do anything before your heavenly anniversary in October, but then I will sign up for training sessions.

It’s been a busy morning. I took the car to the garage for a low tire and then walked back. I took Raya for a walk. In a little bit I will take Gloria to the vet. She has not been eating and we are very worried. Hopefully, they can set her to right. Please keep praying for your Uncle Rob. He is back in the hospital with an infection. I have a pet sitter on standby and have told your Aunt Cindy that if she needs us, we will pick up the keys and start driving. Clarksville is about 10 hours from St. Paul, and we can drive there in one day. First though, I have to get Gloria to the vet. She was your best bed buddy and she misses you. This does not stop her from bossing around the other dogs and the cat. Even though she does not feel great she is still a force of nature! I am off to wake up your Daddy and get the day moving. I miss you but hope that heaven is climate controlled. Love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Six Week Follow Up

Dear Ravi,

I have just obtained a modicum of freedom! Yesterday was my 6 week follow up appointment with Dr. Mullaney, my orthopedic surgeon. He looked at the most recent X ray of my cervical spina and said that it was healing nicely. All restrictions were lifted. I no longer have to wear a neck brace, aka the cone of shame, I can drive, and I can begin PT! I am very happy. I haven’t driven yet but I will later today. I scheduled a haircut and a facial just to make myself look and feel better. It has been months since I have been behind the wheel. I keep telling myself that I have been driving for over 4 decades and it will come back to me. Nonetheless, I will stick to our neighborhood streets and back roads for my first time out. Daddy has been a lovely and trusted chauffeur these last few months it will feel great to venture out on my own.

I had two very solid reminders of you yesterday. Daddy and I were at the running store, and an older gentleman and his adult autistic son came in for a pair of shoes. This young man did not look like you, but other than that the semblance was uncanny. He was tall, wore a floppy hat, was doing lots of happy flaps, and clearly loved his daddy. HIs gait was also just like yours. I can never quite put into words how you moved, but it was very distinctive. You were easy to pick out of a crowd. This young man moved in a very similar fashion. The store staff was so sweet to him and helped him find the perfect pair of shoes. I did not hear him speak a word, but it was clear that mouth words were not needed between him and his dad. They understood each other perfectly. He stood next to his dad the entire time, held his hand and it was clear that this was his favorite human. I thought of how you always held my hand when we were out in public, or stood as close as possible to me and your daddy. I can still feel your hand in mine, warm and solid with a firm grip. I can see you wearing one of your favorite hats, bopping along, exploring the wide world around you. The world was your oyster and you were determined to open it.

The other sign that you are still close by came last night when I was road testing my new running shoes. I took all of the dogs out for individual walks. As Gloria and I were heading back towards our street a male cardinal swooped down from a tree directly in front of us. He flew across the street, landed on a fence and looked curiously at us. Then he flew to a nearby tree. I could hear another cardinal calling to him but could not see it. I can only assume that he had a mate and possibly chicks in a nest close by. As always, family is important.

Please pray for your Uncle Rob. He has spent the last week in the hospital. Today he is moving into a step down sub-acute facility. He is not sick enough to be in the hospital but not well enough to return home. He was scheduled for 2 weeks of radiation therapy but that is being put on hold as the step-down facility does not coordinate with the cancer center. Hopefully, this will be a time of healing and rest for him. His son, your cousin Aaron has his 26th birthday this week. I can always remember both Robbie and Aaron’s birthdays. You and Robbie share a birthday, and Aaron’s birthday is exactly one month after Mercury’s.

Ravi, I miss you deeply, but you sent me two signs yesterday that you are doing well and flying free. I have a meeting this morning with an agent to talk about my manuscript and your short but impactful life. After that I will get a haircut and join Pamela for a dog walk. She is juggling multiple dogs at the moment so all hands on deck are helpful. It feels so good to be strong enough to help my friends. It is a beautiful day today, the weather is not too hot, and the air is blessedly clear. It does not hurt to breathe. The dogs are just happy to be going on walks again. A week indoors due to unsafe air conditions was enough to drive us all a bit batty. Fly free my son and I will look for you in the autism community and in the cardinals that fly through our neighborhood. I love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Smoke, haze, 5 weeks post op

Dear Ravi,

It is eerie this morning. Due to the wildfires up north, smoke hangs thick in the air. I put the dogs out early this morning and I could taste and smell the smoke. It was like one could almost take a bite out of it. Even though the temperature was in the low 70s for a change, a dog walk was impossible. I hastily brought all the pets inside and slammed the door. No birds are singing. I hope that you and they migrated someplace safe where you can actually breathe. I doubt that you need an N95 mask in heaven, but wouldn’t it be silly and sad to see birds with masks over their beaks? What a sad world we have created. I am praying for this weather to break and that we get a good hard rainstorm. The backyard is a mess. It is too hot to mow, and all the grass is dying. I only care about your baby trees and Daddy religiously waters them with a slow drip hose every night. So far, they look okay, but the air quality cannot be helping them.

On a brighter note, I am 5 weeks plus 2 days out of surgery. I feel much stronger. In 6 days, I go see my surgeon for a checkup and hopefully lose this neck brace. In hot weather it traps the air and clings to me like a desperate octopus. I am ready to be rid of it. Before this week I was walking about 25 miles and week and getting steadily faster. I have not walked since last Sunday. Church was stifling last week. We met in the sanctuary, but everyone had fans and no one vested. All the windows and door were open but there was not a breath of air. Ten minutes into the service Joy announced that this coming Sunday we are meeting in the parish hall. The room has air conditioning. Pizza church on Wednesday was also held inside. We have a lot of very young and very elderly people in our congregation, and I worry about their safety in this heat and with this bad air quality.

Since I haven’t been able to get outside, I have been binge watching the World Cup. I love soccer and have since I was a kid. I love watching some of the best players in the world compete. We are down to the final match on Sunday, Argentina versus Spain. Sadly, England lost to Argentina in yesterday’s match. The US team washed out last week. I wasn’t even that sad after the red card scandal that got “fixed”. I do want to remind you that the US Women’s Team has won 4 World Cup championships in a row, without any outside interference!

Please pray for your Uncle Rob, Aunt Cindy, and their sons. He is not doing well. Pray for better mobility, strength, less pain, and better quality of life. I have Chris, our pet sitter set up to come at a moment’s notice if Cindy calls and says that she needs help. We are ready to start driving at a moment’s notice.

The pets are demanding my attention, even though they just had a scrumptious breakfast. That was 15 minutes ago and they have already forgotten. I know that you are flying free away from this earth that is on fire. I miss you desperately but am glad you are safe and strong in a place that can do you no harm. I love you forever, Mom.