Tag: running

Brave Like Gabe

Dear Ravi,

Yesterday, I ran another 5km for you, and for a very brave lady named Gabe. Like you, she fought cancer bravely. She was an elite runner and ran for the University of Minnesota. In 2018 she set up the Brave Like Gabe 5km to promote exercise in the life of cancer patients and to raise funds for better outcomes for rare cancers, including osteosarcoma. Sadly, she passed away in 2019, but her race and legacy live on.

There was quite the party going when your daddy and I arrived at Como Park. Tents and balloons, streamers, signs one could make in honor of their loved one with cancer. Runners who had survived cancer wore Survivor tags on their bibs. I made a sign for you and hung it on the wall of honor and wrote #TeamRavi on my race number. There were 330 and runners in this race, most of them women. Some were fast, some were slow, but all were determined to finish this run. People ran with dogs, kids, strollers, etc. It was a moving festival which ran out into the park and around the lake. It was humid and I was wearing your Fight Like a Kid cancer shirt, which is cotton, and it very soon was drenched. I didn’t care, I was out there running for you and for everyone who is fighting or has fought this demon called cancer. I was pretty happy with my time, 32:42, with an average pace of 10:28 a mile. I was in the top third overall and 8th in my age group. I did not see any cardinals or monarch butterflies on my run, but I felt your presence. I ran into an old club member during the race and after the race the race director came out and gave me a huge hug. She has followed your story for years. There were tears on both sides. Your daddy met me right after that and we chatted with people for a few minutes, got some treats and headed home. Ravi, I was so proud to run this race both for Gabe and for you. This will become an annual tradition.

We got home mid-morning and had a snack. The dogs were anxious to go for walks, so I took them out. I had a lot of feelings to work through, and I think best on my feet. The dogs and I walked at least 5 miles. I call this grief walking. There was a huge pit of emptiness inside of me. I just kept walking. If I run and walk far enough, will I find you?

On a cheerier note, I am on the Gather committee, making St. Clement’s and other churches more autism and sensory friendly. We will begin meeting next month. There are two part time positions open to help our committee do our work. This week Elizabeth asked me to sit on the hiring committee to help choose these two people. I immediately answered in the affirmative. The only hiring I have ever done was in finding PCAs to help you and I let you guide the hiring process. You knew who you liked and trusted. Jessie, Peter, Alissa, I am looking at you. Anyway, it will be a different view being on the other end of the hiring process. I will let you know how it goes, though this will not be until early November.

Ravi, please pray for your nonbinary sibling, Mercury. They have made some bad decisions and published an essay about our family that is completely untrue. They used you for a ploy for sympathy but did not even get the part about your cancer right. They misspelled your grandmother’s name and said that we had disowned them and threw all their possessions out on the front lawn. As you know, this is patently untrue. They called a domestic on us and 4 armed policemen raided our house on what had been a quiet Sunday afternoon. That trauma still hangs with me. I did not see Mercury that day and we have not seen them since. Three years have passed. Anyway, it has been a very strange and week. I feel like we have suffered a death and a very messy divorce in less than one year. I hope and pray for reconciliation, but this is a lot for Mercury to walk back from. If they ever reach out, I will gladly answer them, but this wound will take many years to heal, on both sides.

Ravi, my love, I was so proud to run for you and to raise research funds to fight osteosarcoma and other rare cancers. You and Gabe did not die in vain. We wish you were still here with us, but please know that your name and your story still carry an impact. I am still working on getting a publisher for your first book. I look for you in cardinals and monarch butterflies. I carry you forever in my heart. Love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Finish the Run

Dear Ravi,

Yesterday, I ran a 5km race for you. Finish the Run 5km was set up in memory of a local elite runner who passed away on a run in his neighborhood 10 years ago. The first year was just a gathering of his family and his running friends. Over the years, the numbers grew and it turned into something much bigger. Everyone was given a bib with a number and a space to write the name of the person for whom they were running. I chose a bright red Sharpie and wrote Ravi, #TeamRavi, in big letters. It was a very happy race. Strollers and dogs were welcome.

My training runs with the dogs have been slow. Generally, I putter along at about an 11:30 minute mile. I also mix in walking sections to keep my heart rate at a good level. My hope was to run the race between 35 and 40 minutes. Breaking 35 minutes was a reach plan. The day of the race surprised me. It was a beautiful fall day. I felt good. I decided not to look at my Garmin but just run by feel. If I looked at my watch at all, it would be when it beeped every mile. I set off towards the rear of the pack, but ahead of the walkers. The sun was shining, and we ran over Stone Arch Bridge. I looked at my watch at the one-mile mark. To my surprise, my time was 10:23. At that point I fell into a wonderful state of flow. I could feel the miles passing beneath my feet but had no real sense of the passage of time. The next thing I knew was the finish line was in sight. I picked up my pace a bit and dodged some walkers with strollers and dogs. Your dad, Margaret, and Shawn were waiting for me at the finish line. I stopped my watch and looked down. Final time, 30:57. I was stunned. We all shared hugs and pictures and eventually headed home. The veil between the living and those who have passed was very thin at that race. Ravi, I could feel your presence, and you kept me strong. Thank you.

Last night I discovered another 5km race in 2 weeks. It is called Brave Like Gabe. She was a local runner with a rare form of cancer who passed in 2019. Her race has been run every year since 2018. As you know, funding for rare cancers is my jam, so I promptly signed up and gave a generous donation. It just felt like the right thing to do.

Ravi, my love, I feel you when I run. Your spirit races free with me. You are soaring. I was proud to run with you. More races to come. Love you to the moon and back. Mom. #TeamRavi.

Ends and Beginnings

Dear Ravi,

August is winding to a close. Today is the first day of the Minnesota State Fair. Like you, I am an introvert and have no urge at all to go hang out with a million sweaty Minnesotans. For the next 10 days, I will be avoiding Snelling Avenue. The places that we used to haunt are on the other side of the fairgrounds, and I have no need to go there.

I met Laurie for a walk this morning. I brought Raya and she brought Luka. We rambled about, looked at plants and animals and let our dogs get in some good sniffs and pee breaks. Later, I returned home and took Jack Jack and Gloria for a run through the neighborhood. On our run we came across two male cardinals having an intense discussion up in a tree. I think it was you and Dave Evans, hanging out and shooting the breeze. You are both incredible people and I am glad you got to meet each other. If you bump into another Dave, Dave Coyne, give him a shoutout from me. Twin Cities Running is still going strong, but we miss him, a lot.

I have just over 2 weeks until your memorial run. I love the name of this race, Finish the Run, and I love the slogan, Run with Intention. Ravi, I run with intention for you every time I lace up my running shoes. I am not fast, but I still love the sensation that running gives me. It brings me closer to you. There is another race coming up called Brave like Gabe. She was a local runner who passed of brain cancer a few years ago. Her run is designed to raise money for rare cancers. I may run this race as well. Races have gotten expensive, but I am happy to run them when they are used to raise money for good causes. I can’t think of a better cause than fighting cancer.

Your daddy is out at the airfield today and the clouds look perfect for soaring. He is starting to study so he can become a glider instructor. He is also taking two classes at the community college, just for fun. Slowly, we are finding ways to leave the house. I am working 2 or 3 days a week and am enjoying it. The person I care for uses an AAC, just like you, and she is smart, funny, and sassy. You would enjoy her. Not much else is going on, but we really miss you. Cardinals make us smile. Keep soaring high and know that those of us left behind will never stop talking about you. We are keeping your memory and your legacy alive. Love you forever. Mom.

Putting Running Shoes Back On

#TeamRavi, you have been cheering us on for years and continue to do so. We are so grateful. Ravi is not forgotten. As most of you know, I have been a distance runner since I was a pre-teen. I ran my first road race at age 13 and my first marathon at age 14. For me running, is how I best experience the world, how I play, how I recharge, and how I pray. Over the years I have used my running to raise money, first for autism advocacy and later for osteosarcoma. Running comes as naturally to me as breathing, until it didn’t.

On October 11, 2024, I ran 6 miles in the late afternoon. There was nothing particularly memorable about that run. I marked my miles on my calendar and resumed taking care of Ravi. That night, Ravi passed away and I stopped running. This is not to mean that I stopped moving. Since that fateful night, I have grief walked at least 1,000 miles. But, for some reason, I could not run. I was afraid that I would shatter into a million little pieces and would never be able to put myself together again. So, I walked. Robert walked. The dogs walked. We paced the neighborhood at all hours of the day or night. But I couldn’t bring myself to run, until this week.

I was out walking my dog, Gloria, earlier this week. She has been my long-time running partner. I was about 1.5 miles from home. Suddenly, I wondered what would happen if we just picked up the pace a little and tried a jog. As we gradually gained a bit of speed and forward momentum, my legs and my lungs began to remember what running used to feel like. By the time we were home, I was pleasantly fatigued, but not completely wasted. Today was a grey, rainy day. In the late afternoon the downpour stopped and on impulse, I grabbed Gloria’s leash, some poop bags and a handful of dog treats. I had a sudden goal in mind. I wanted to run out a mile and then back a mile, without stopping. I did not care about time or pace; I just wanted to move my legs. The first few blocks of the run were more like a shuffle. Gradually, I fell into a rhythm. We made it out a mile, and I spent about 2 minutes just walking and bringing my heartrate down. Soon, I felt like running again, so we took off for home. The mile back passed more quickly than the mile going out. I was thoroughly warmed up at that point, my legs did not feel heavy, and my cardio was pretty decent. A different feeling than I was used to was welling up inside of me. I sat with this feeling for moment, trying to recognize it. Suddenly, it hit me. I felt happy. Not elated or joyous, just happy and somewhat proud of myself. It was a good, albeit unusual feeling. I put Gloria in the house and got leashes for the other two dogs. As a gentle cooldown, I walked them 4 miles, giving them ample time to sniff to their hearts content and check the local pee mail.

Later, I look back at this run. It wasn’t elegant, it certainly was not fast. A herd of turtles probably could have beaten me with little effort. But I feel good. I am looking forward to tomorrow when I can run again. I want to slowly work my way up to 3 miles of running by the end of this week. I am toying with the idea of finding a local 5km to jump into before I run the Finish the Run 5km in September. The 20-, 30-, or 40-year-old Harriet would have scoffed at today’s effort. She would have viewed a 2-mile run as a warmup for a much longer adventure. But I don’t care. 54-year-old Harriet is content. Tomorrow is supposed to be sunny, and I want to go for another gentle run. Today represented a mental breakthrough. I was able to take my grief for a run, and it did not shatter me. Nothing bad happened. For this, I am very grateful. I feel blessed. From the time he was a baby, Ravi knew that his mom was a runner. Maybe he is surprised that I took a 7-month sabbatical. At any rate, I am back. Running is how I love to move my body, how I problem solve, and how I pray. I am grateful to have this gift back in my life. I am not fast, but between my running and my writing, this is how I can best show up for my son. Be good humans, wave at runners. Peace, Harriet, Ravi’s mom.

Finish The Run

Years ago, I ran a 5km in Minneapolis called Finish the Run. It was in honor of a runner who died while on his regular running route. His parents set up this 5km for people to run in his memory and anyone else important in their lives who had passed away. When I ran this race, I ran it in honor of my cousin Joyce, who had died from cancer. This was long before Ravi became ill, and I had mostly forgotten about the race. The other day, I received notice that this race was celebrating its 10th and final year. I decided to run it again, in honor of Ravi. Participants were welcome to enter a small story about the person whom they had lost, so I wrote a story about Ravi, submitted it, and forgot all about it, as the race is not until September.

Two mornings ago, I received the sweetest email in my inbox from Sandy, the race founder and director. ” Good morning, Harriet. I wanted to reach out to you re: your personal story that you shared on our Finish the Run website. I am Sandy Forster, and David, whom this run was built around, was my oldest son. I really loved what you shared and wondered if you would mind if we used that on our social media to illustrate how this event touches others in ways beyond our own son’s story. We would not use your last name- and would not have to use Ravi’s or your first name, either, if you would prefer, but would then share your exact words. I’d 100% respect if you would rather not have us do this. Either way is fine. Thank you for letting us know who Ravi was, and the pure joy he brought to the world, and we are so very sorry for the loss of this radiant human. Sandy Forster.

I immediately responded to Sandy and said that I was delighted for her to share Ravi’s story and to please use our names. I look forward to seeing her at the race. Once again, my prayer was answered. A complete stranger said his name to me, and I am reminded that he his memory lives on in this crazy world that we live in.

I am still recovering from Mother’s Day. Despite the love that so many of you shared with me, it was still a gut punch. I am trying to remember to breathe, and to take life one moment at a time. Next month is Ravi’s birthday on June 18th, and Mercury’s birthday on June 25th. These dates will take some careful planning so that I do not spiral into a disaster area in my mind. I am joining a rapid response team at St. Clements, and I will march with my church in the Pride Parade. As other events emerge, I will find more ways to celebrate my children.

Thank you for all your love and kindness, pictures and memories. You are good humans, through and through. Peace, Harriet.

Upcoming Boo News

Hello, friends, we gamely shuffle forward. Boo is still very sick and weak. We spend most of our waking, and many of your sleeping, hours coaxing fluids and formula into his GJ tube. I am now starting to see a pattern. He is most able to digest fluids and formula early in the day. As the day goes along, he develops a deep hacking cough, trying to get rid of the mucus in his throat. In the evening, he often vomits. A lot of the time the emesis is just stomach bile, but it makes him feel terrible. We are now giving him anti emetics every 8 hours and are hoping this will do the trick. He was seen at clinic on Friday and will be seen again tomorrow, on Monday. Though he is still very fragile, his team has decided to go forward with 6 more doses of radiation, beginning on October 3, ending on October 16. We would like to wait until he is stronger, but we are running a race against time. The tumors in his mandible and his C spine are still growing. The hope is that the radiation will give him some pain relief and also make it possible for him to eat by mouth again. It has been weeks since he has eaten anything orally, and this has greatly contributed to his depression. Thanks to Alissa, I am now in contact with a doctor at Mayo who does cryoablation. He thinks that Ravi might be a candidate to receive cryoablation to his jaw and that would provide considerable pain relief. Hopefully, this would let us cut back on the use of opioids.

Today, the plan is to get Ravi hydrated and fed and out of the house. We want to take him to Target, his happy place. We will put him in a Caroline Cart and push him around the store to his heart’s content. He needs to be out and about. Right now, he travels between his bed at home and the infusion chair on floor 9. We need to expand his horizons.

In the middle of all of this I discovered that I need not one, but two root canals. I have a crown that keeps falling out and another one that fell apart during Boo’s last hospitalization. If that that was not enough fun, I also nicked my right knee and developed MRSA. At first, I thought it was just a spider bite. Then I became unable to put any weight on the knee if I were kneeling. I went for an 8 mile run on Wednesday and it was miserable. I was slow, the knee was stiff, and nothing felt right. I could not get into my regular clinic for a week, so I did a virtual doctor visit. She looked at my knee and said it was cellulitis. She gave me antibiotics to take every 6 hours and said to try warm compresses. After three days it was clear the drugs were having no effect. My knee was red, swollen, full of pus and I felt terrible. I did another virtual doctor visit. This doctor took one look at my knee and said it most almost certainly a MRSA infection. She asked if I worked in childcare or in a hospital. I said no, but that I spent a lot of time in hospitals around children. She prescribed doxycycline and anti-inflammatory drugs. I took the first dose last night before I went to bed. This morning the swelling and redness has gone down and my knee is less stiff. I also feel much more energetic. She had said if things had not improved, I would need to go to an Urgent Care, but I no longer think that this is necessary. I will try a gentle run this afternoon, just to test out the knee and my new running shoes. My marathon to raise money for the Osteosarcoma Institute is in exactly one week. This will probably be my slowest marathon ever, and I don’t care. I just want to run this race. Due to Covid and a spinal fusion, I have not run a marathon since 2018. It is time! Though I ran all summer, I did not get in as many long runs as I would have hoped. Two weeks ago, I ran 20 miles, my longest run in 6 years. It was slow but felt pretty good. The plan for this week is to rest, eat well, foam roll, try to sleep, and get mentally ready for the marathon.

Thank you so much to everyone who contributed to #TeamRavi. Robert and I are overwhelmed by your generosity. My contact person at the Osteosarcoma Institute tells me that they have surpassed their original goal for donations in September. For the last days of September, and today is the last day, donations will be tripled. In case you have not seen the website, I am including it once again. https://osinst.org/herndon-fundraiser

Please go look at the site for no other reason than to see our favorite Boo Bear. Many of the pictures are from his Wish Trip to Duluth. We had such a wonderful 4 days away from cancer and treatments. At that point, he was strong, healthy, and eating with gusto. I hope and pray that he can feel like that once again.

Thank you all for holding us in your prayers. They mean more than we can express. Be good humans and we will be in touch. Peace, Harriet.