Author: snort262

I am a wife, mom, long distance runner and fierce autism advocate. My background is in education. Currently, I am a PCA, an autism advocate, a fighter for kindness and social justice, and a fervent animal lover.

Eyes Not Lies

Dear Ravi,

The madness continues. On Saturday morning, an innocent bystander was attacked, pistol whipped, and then gunned down outside of Glam Doll Donuts, on 26th and Nicollett. His name was Alex Pretti. He was an ICU nurse at the Veterans Hospital. A nurse, Ravi, with gentle hands, adored by his patients, coworkers, and family. An outdoor lover and a believer in freedom and free speech. He was attacked when he was trying to protect a woman from pepper spray. A woman who was documenting ICE, as is her legal right. ICE killed him and the Twin Cities is in turmoil. As Minnesotans, we are shaken, but we stand firm.

A few hours after the shooting, Joy sent out an email to the parish. That night, there was to be an all faiths vigil at the Unity Universalist Church. Elizabeth would be one of the presiding priests. Furthermore, we received another email that all the neighborhoods in the Twin Cities were holding candlelight vigils. Frigid sub zero temperatures mean nothing to Minnesotans. We always come out to show up for our own. Alex was one of our own. He will not be forgotten.

That evening at 7pm Robert and I went to Unity Church. There was not parking for blocks. We squeezed into the last row in the church. Behind us stood rows of people. More people sat above us in the gallery. When the candles in the front of the church were lit, not a sound was heard. Elizabeth was one of the first priests to speak. She spoke of love, community and being present for one another. Between other priests speaking there were many songs that were sung or chanted, often in the Taize form, an ancient form of chanting done centuries ago by monks in France. It is a very centering way to pray. The service lasted an hour but passed in the blink of an eye. The last priest to speak bade us to follow this mantra, Eyes Not Lies. We are to be eyes of what is happening around us. We are to be the truth tellers, in a world that wants to spin our reality into something that it is not. It is our job to walk forward in light, as peacemakers and speakers of truth. Eyes Not Lies.

For the very last song, all the priests in the congregation were asked to come forward and sing together. There were at least 40 of them. At that time, we learned that over 600 clergy had come to Minnesota to pray and march. They came from all walks of life, simply because the Spirit called them to do so. This is a mighty calling. After the song all the assembled clergy headed into the congregation with lit candles, to light all of the candles held by the parishioners. The church was filled with dancing light while we all sang a final song together. The feeling in the church was one I cannot even begin to describe the best I can say is I felt, unity, wholeness, and connection in a very shattered world. Then, we all tiptoed out into the night.

Your daddy and I drove home in silence. All through the neighborhood there were people standing vigil in the bitter cold holding candles and singing. It was mystical. We were deeply touched. Never have I been so broken hearted for my state, never have I been so proud to call Minnesota home. You and Mercury were born and raised here. Never forget that.

Ravi, right now I am in a very different place, at least physically. Your daddy and I flew with two dear friends to Tucson, Arizona to spend a week. The sunlight is amazing and it is almost warm. We want to go hiking and lose ourselves in the desert. There are huge cactus and lemon trees everywhere. I have not seen any wildlife yet but am really hoping to see quail and roadrunners. I haven’t seen quail in at least a dozen years, and I have never seen a roadrunner! I am curious about Javelinas, but don’t really wish to meet one up close. The sunrise and sunsets reflecting off the mountains are amazing. I did not realize until this morning how badly I missed mountains. I wish you were here to see them too. Even though we are far from home and I am not feeling as paranoid, I am still very sad and worried for our beloved state. I think we need this week, though, just to calm our nervous systems. We have been on high alert for a month. We will be on high alert when we return. We need this reset. Every morning, I wake up thinking things cannot get any worse, and then they do. Day after day. Minnesota will remain strong, but we grieve those who were senselessly taken from us, those that were detained, those that were sent away. We grieve for the children who are afraid to go to school, for the adults afraid to go to work or even to get groceries. ICE needs to go, and they need leave now.

Ravi, I miss you so much. I am glad that you are dancing with Dave Evans and Dave Coyne in heaven. Roberta has promised to stop by the chapel to see you often while we are gone. For this I am deeply grateful. I know that you are not really in the chapel, but it is one of my touchpoints. I see you in the birds, the butterflies, I feel you in the warm breeze that touches my cheeks. I will look for you in the Arizona desert. Ravi, you were one of the bravest, strongest people I have ever known. Rest in sweet peace. Dance in heaven. I love you to the moon and back. Mom.

55

Dear Ravi,

It is snowing today and the temperature is about to drop to between 20 and 30 degrees F below zero this weekend. The dogs have taken up permanent lodging under a heated throw with me. Today is my 55th birthday and I so wish that you were here to share it with me. Do you know why my 32nd birthday was so special? It was my first birthday as a new mom! Pictures show me 23 years younger, exhausted from little sleep, and utterly jubilant. You were the center of my world. In another year, Mercury would join us, and the two of you would become the center of my world. I dreaded my birthday last year. I did not want to move on from age 53 to 54. When I was 53, I could still hold you in my arms and tell you how much I loved you. Honestly, I can only remember bits and pieces of the last year. This is one of the many reasons I keep a journal. I look back at prior entries and marvel at the things that I wrote, things that I no longer remember. There were good times of travel and dear friends. There were also days of deep grief when I couldn’t even leave the house. I honor both of those memories.

Today was a good day. Daddy knows the way to my heart. He brought my roses, good coffee and new running shoes. I received cards from many dear friends. I feel loved, and not too completely wrecked. I am amazed how good the new running shoes feel! One is supposed to rotate out old shoes after about 400 miles. This poor pair of shoes has carried me for at least 625 miles. When I took them off and pulled on a new pair of Saucony Triumph my feet gave an audible gasp of relief. Perhaps I should rotate my shoes more regularly. Because of all the snow and ice, I am afraid to walk outside. I don’t want to fall and reinjure my back. I did get in about 2 miles just pacing around stores today. That helped. We are going to warmer climes next week and I look forward to daily walks and hikes. I miss moving my body. The treadmill helps, but I really want to feel warm air on my face and be able to work up a good sweat. I miss sunlight! It feels like we have not seen the sun in weeks.

Thank you for being a most beautiful part of my life. It is hard to pick up the pieces and keep on going. If there is cake or really good coffee in heaven, by all means, please have some for me. Gloria is being very snuggly these days and can often be found on my lap under a heated blanket. Jack Jack is his usual merry self. Raya is becoming much braver. She is learning sit and shake. She is Daddy’s velcro dog, which is exactly what I wanted to happen when we adopted her 13 months ago. You would like her. She is very sweet and silly. That’s all I have for right now. I hope you are dancing in heaven with Dave Coyne and Dave Evans. The three of you were dear, beautiful people. I love you forever. Mom.

What is your dream job?

Dear Ravi,

This was the writing prompt for today. I can answer this easily, caring for you was my dream job. You had PCAs since you were four years old. Some of them were wonderful and became a part of our family for years. Others I quickly fired, such as the one that emptied our liquor cabinet. Daddy drinks rarely and I do not drink at all. One day when reaching for some cooking sherry Daddy noticed that almost all of the bottles of alcohol in our cabinet were empty! We had three different PCAs at the time, and I trusted two of them with my life. The culprit was obvious to us and he was quickly dispatched.

When you were fifteen you developed epilepsy. The nurse in the ER warned me that I would never sleep the same again, that I would always sleep with one ear open. She was entirely correct. Even now, I still sleep with one ear open. It’s a special needs mommy thing. At this time, I realized that I could not work outside of the home, because I had to be ready at any moment to come get you from school or an activity in case you had a seizure. I dropped my tutoring obligations and my nanny job and became your full time PCA. As to your epilepsy, you were trialed on many different medications. At one point, you had a beautiful run of 18 months seizure free. That was amazing. Sadly, after that the seizures became much more common. After you were diagnosed with osteosarcoma your seizures became so much worse. My theory was that your stress level from being in the hospital was super high, your body was very fragile, and this caused you to have more frequent and severe seizures. Your doctors admitted that my theory might be correct, but they did not have a lot of data about treatment resistance epilepsy and chemotherapy.

Boo, I loved being your PCA. We could choose to do what we pleased with our days when you were not in school or when we were shut down during Covid. We had our own little bubble of friends and our own fun activities we could do on our own. You did not like online school so Alissa and I took over teaching you everything we could about the outside world. We followed your interests, and even when our world seemed very small, you were happy and thriving.

After your osteosarcoma diagnosis, carrying for you was a 24/7 kind of job, but I still loved it. Your daddy and I were perpetually exhausted, but it did not matter. You were the center of our existence. Never have you been more loved. I have had great jobs and terrible jobs since 1989, but I never had a job like I had when I was your caretaker. Though it is often painful to think back on the last 22 years of your life, you, me, and daddy were one connected unit. We laughed together and cried together. And, at the very end we said goodbye to you as your soul slipped away to freedom.

I am working part time at most right now. I don’t want to work full time. I tried it less than 8 weeks after we lost you and it nearly destroyed me. I still love being a PCA and caretaking, but it is much less of an emotional commitment. I can go home at the end of the day and turn my mind to other things. Ravi, you were my dream job, the best job ever. Please know that. You appear in my dreams often. Sometimes, I wake up smiling, other times I wake up in tears. You will never be forgotten. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to help you, love you, care for you. Love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Who Was a Good Leader?

Dear Ravi,

This was the WordPress prompt for the day. Now, some people may think I would select Obama, or as a best former president, Jimmy Carter. Goodness knows I will wax rhapsodic about both of these gentlemen. My choice, however, goes to a certain little red merle girl who was born into my hands and became your best friend forever, Rosie.

Rosie was Ravi’s Australian Shepherd service dog. Her mama, Zuli, decided to give birth while Myra and I were on a trip out to the country to do some dog training. We were having lunch and Zuli, who was very pregnant at the time, suddenly gave one woof and trotted off towards the van. A few minutes later Myra decided to follow her. A few minutes after that I followed Myra. Zuli had hopped into the back of the van and promptly popped out a puppy just as Myra walked up. Surprise! (We thought Zuli was not due for another 3 or 4 days.) Right after that Zuli pushed again and a tiny red merle female landed in my hands. At that point, we decided we were better off in the cabin, where Zuli promptly delivered another puppy. There was no running water in the cabin, so we headed for home. Halfway there I heard a new noise. Another puppy had joined the pack. When we got to Myra’s place, we put the proud mama and the three puppies in a whelping pen (a kiddie pool full of newspaper) and I ran home to take a quick shower. I realized I was covered in mud, dirt, amniotic fluid, and blood. In record time I took a shower and went speeding back over the Myra’s place to find not three but seven puppies happily nursing! We spent hours cooing over the puppies and telling Zuli what a good job that she did.

A few weeks later Myra had to go out of town, so the puppies moved into my kitchen, whelping pen and all. They were growing fast and furious and were curious about everything. Realizing they were outgrowing their first home, I bought an X pen and set it up in the kitchen. I put all the puppies inside and started to walk away to put Zuli outside. I looked back and the little red merle girl I had delivered was determinedly scaling the wall of the four-foot X pen. She got herself to the top, hesitated for a moment, then heaved herself into space. She hit the floor on all four paws and began toddling after me. That was when I knew that she had chosen me to be her dog and thus began over twelve years of an absolute love affair. I named her Rosie.

Out of the litter, Rosie chose me and Gracie chose Myra. The other puppies all went to families who wanted a good working dog for agility, service, or herding. Myra and I spent years training the two sisters side by side. Though they had identical training routines, ultimately, Gracie decided she wanted to be an agility dog and Rosie decided she wanted to be your service dog.

Rosie not only became your service dog, but she also became the household manager. She woke you up every morning. She told me when it was her mealtime and ours. She waited with you for the bus and alerted me when it came. When the bus returned seven hours later, she would once again alert me. She was an amazing tracking dog and could find you whenever you chose to wander off. When I took her running, she was fiercely protective of me. I could run at all hours of the day or night and knew that I was perfectly safe. If you were having a hard time, she would lie on top of you and give you deep pressure. You shared all your food with her. She was very good about never taking food when she was working and had her vest on, but at home she could never resist a treat or any fallout from your plate. For twelve years she was an integral part of your life and the entire household. Tragically, she died suddenly of liver cancer long before we were ready for her to go. She was born into my hands and passed from this life in my arms. I think that there is symmetry to that.

So, my best beloved, that is my choice for who was the best leader, and I think that you would agree with me. Rosie was your best buddy from the time you were four until you were sixteen. We both grieved her death immensely. She was the leader of the household pack, your best friend, and my wing woman. Though other aussies have come after her, she was truly our heart dog. I know that you and she are romping on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge, sharing all the treats, and having a marvelous time. Love you forever, see you both someday, and we will all go for a long walk. Love, Mom.

If I Could Uninvent Something

Dear Ravi,

This was the writing prompt for this afternoon. Can WordPress make it any more easy? You and I both know what we would uninvent, number 47. I am not going to give him a title or a name. He does not deserve it. He is a pathetic man/child that is sending federal troops into Minnesota. Unlike the ICE agents who do not have a clue about how to handle the frigid conditions of our home state, these troops are trained in Alaska. Yes, Alaska, where it is so cold that they run the school buses all winter long because otherwise they will never start up again. Hmmm.

Fortunately, our governor has another plan up his sleeve. He has called up the MN national guard. These are homegrown Minnesotans who probably grew up playing pond hockey without pads or helmets and are thrilled when the temperatures fall off the thermometer. I wish to high heaven that this was not happening. I don’t want ICE, federal troops, or the national guard in our metro area. Minnesotans look after their own and like to be left alone. Sure, we may invite you to Twins or Vikings game, or to enjoy our symphony, but then we would like to you to go back where you came from.

The irony, Ravi, is that they are scooping up and deporting Natives. People who have lived on this land long before Caucasians ever showed up. Despite the fact that these people are carrying MN drivers’ licenses and tribal IDs, they have been disappeared anyway. Our church, St Clement’s, was built on tribal land. We are acutely aware of this and make certain that our doors are always open to everyone regardless of race, color, or creed.

So, though yesterday was a victory, chasing the white supremists out of Minneapolis, ICE just seems to have scattered into the suburbs. Right now I hear reports that they are in Rochester, stealing Mayo patients out of their cars. Mayo was set up by an order of peace-loving nuns. I am certain that this was not even in their most bizarre nightmares. Mayo saved your life on two occasions, and I have a very special place for them in my heart.

So, we both know what I want to uninvent. He has done nothing but harm our country. His first term was bad enough, but he came roaring back with a vengeance. He thinks he needs Greenland. He wants to terrify blue states. In short, he is a monster, and that is giving monsters a bad name. I miss you my son, I love you. I will go on resisting by alerting our neighbors of danger, buying groceries and supplies for your school and in any other small ways I can think of. I love you to the moon and back. Mom.

A Quick Note to Ravi

Dear Ravi,

Yesterday was a day that would make you proud to be a Minnesotan. As you probably know, there was going to be a white supremist rally in the Cedar Riverside neighborhood, blocks from Masonic Children’s Hospital. I am very familiar with that neighborhood. I often took runs and walks through there while Daddy was keeping you company. As you also know, this is a Somali neighborhood and a place of peace. Anyway, some stupid white men with more testosterone than sense and drunk on power decided they would march through the neighborhood and burn the Qur’an on the steps of city hall. To our everlasting delight, the march crashed and fizzled. First of all, the weather was in our favor. It was bone chilling, sub zero temperatures, typical of Minnesota in January. Less than a dozen supremists turned out. A few stepped out of their hotel, got slapped in the face by the bitter cold, saw the hordes of peaceful protesters and retreated back into the hotel. This left one white dude with a megaphone, all by himself. The crowd mocked him and jeered at him. They threw snowballs and water balloons. They literally chased him down the street. He was trying to get back to his hotel. Out of nowhere came a young African American man. He took his enemy by the arm and directed him to safety, while getting pelted by snowballs and water balloons that were aimed at his foe. This young brother guided his enemy to safety. Ravi, he did not have to do this. The person he helped believed that he should “go back where he came from”. Sweetheart, this is true agape, selfless love.

Things are very uncertain and uncomfortable here right now, and it is stretching across the country. I heard today that the orange maggot is sending ICE to Disney in Florida. This is a chance for the Mouse to stand up and roar. If they want to continue being the most magical place on earth, then they need to fight back. If they don’t, no one will want to go there. One of Florida’s premier vacation destinations will be vacant. We never took you to Disney Land or Disney World. Honestly, I have never been there either. You and Mercury never showed the slightest interest in anything Disney related, so for your Zak’s wish trip, we went north to Duluth. Not seeking crowds, but solitude and a beautiful Great Lake that stretches farther than the eye can see. We rode around on a modified bike, we walked on the beach, we ate lots of great food, and we enjoyed each other’s company. That was one of the best weeks of my life. I wish that serenity for the world today. Our country does not need Greenland. We do not need mall cops heady with power in our streets. We are better than this.

As I write, I hear helicopters overhead. Like during the George Floyd riots, they have become a steady backdrop of noise. Things are peaceful for a while, then are disrupted by honking horns, whistles, and sirens. Peace is very fragile. I am proud to be a Minnesotan. I am proud that you were born, lived, and died in this beautiful state. It is up to us to stand on the right side of justice. Peace to you my son, I love you forever. Mom.

Muted?

Dear Ravi,

The world is going nuts. There are ICE agents all over the metro area and beyond. Ordinary citizens are being dragged from the cars and disappeared. Our so called “president”, I will not say his name, thinks that our lovely Somali community is garbage and they should all be deported. The vast majority of them are US citizens. I think of the awesome nurses and aids who took such good care of you at Masonic Children’s Hospital, many of them were people of color. I fear for them. Minnesota is a place for everyone. Our diversity makes us stronger. The only thing we do not need is ICE.

Today, Daddy and I filled up the SUV with groceries and supplies and took it to your beloved Bridge View School. We have been a part of that community for nearly 19 years. As you know, most of the students there are children of immigrants and their parents are afraid to leave their homes to take them to school, to go to work, to get groceries, etc. BVS was oddly and eerily silent. The doors were locked. The once busy, bustling halls were devoid of students. A few staff with walkie talkies were near all the doors, ready to report any sign of danger. It broke my heart. We delivered our groceries, diapers, and wipes, promised to be back again with more supplies next week, and drove away. I felt like I left a piece of me behind. We love BVS and will always support them, as they supported and loved you from the time that you were 5 years old until you passed away at age 22. They are good people.

Much to my amusement and disgust, I found out that Facebook is muting all of my blog posts. Apparently, the algorithm does not like someone who writes about peace, loving one’s neighbor, autism, or God. Your daddy and I are pacifists! I do not see myself as a threat, but I hope to be a light bearer. I want you to be remembered. I want to talk about autism and osteosarcoma. I reached out to many of our friends and asked them to go to my website and subscribe to our blog. It’s free, I hope it is hope giving, and I want parents of autistic children to have a safe place to come.

It is very cold here. The sidewalks are extremely slippery. I have not walked the dogs in weeks. I am too afraid of falling and of someone possibly hurting our dogs. If Kristi Noem shot her own dog, what would stop an ICE agent from taking a pot shot at one of ours? The ordinary world is no longer ordinary.

Ravi, you were one of the bravest people I have ever known. Please help me to be brave. I want to keep reaching out, delivering groceries, helping people through our church. I told you how happy I was to see a church full of immigrants last Sunday. I hope they felt needed and loved and will keep coming back. God is love. St. Clement’s is love. I have checked in with all the people who helped me care for you and they are all safe right now. I will continue to do daily check ins. I know that Mercury is somewhere in the Metro area and I pray that they are safe, too. These are very strange and difficult times. I miss you profoundly but rejoice that you are safe in heaven with other dear friends and relatives who have gone before and after you. I will hold you in my heart until I can hold you in my arms. Love you forever, Mom.

No Words

Dearest Ravi,

I have no words for what is happening in the Twin Cities. It is appalling, terrifying and completely unjust. ICE has openly taken over the metro area and all other parts of the state. Protesters and passersby are being attacked, shot, pepper sprayed, and taken away. It is not safe to be on the streets. Yet, I am fiercely proud of our state. Minnesotans are standing up and speaking up. Our voice will not be silenced. At church on Sunday we had a church full of immigrants and two beautiful baptisms. It was a day of joy and celebration. Last night we joined a dear friend for dinner at a local Indian restaurant and shared laughter, tears, stories and more. It was life affirming. There are pop up protests all over the twin cities. I went to our usual protest on Friday at Snelling and Summit. I will be going back every week. I carry a whistle everywhere I go, so I can sound an alert if I see anything suspicious. ICE has been in our neighborhood, to all the safe places that we used to go. In a way it feels like Covid and the George Floyd riots all over again. People are in lockdown. Others are storming the streets. Police cars, sirens, helicopters are everywhere. I feel like we have fallen into the Twilight Zone.

I miss you so much, but I also rejoice that you are in heaven and forever safe from all of this madness. I worry for Mercury. I know that they are living in the Twin Cities area. I do not know if they are safe. So near, and yet so far. Complete radio silence from your Aunt Mags, but if she couldn’t be bothered to come to your funeral or even inquire as to where you are interred, we really can’t expect anything much of her. She seems to think she is helping Mercury but in reality, she is driving a deeper wedge between us. If she had any common sense, she would get back on her own yoga mat. Mercury is your sister and our child. We can take care of our own. We do not welcome outside interfence. It is true that Mags has been a lifeline for them, but now she needs to step back. My family of origin is so foreign to me. Their only currency is information and money. They like to control people by using these two things. Your daddy and I refuse to play their game.

Please watch over Mercury and all those in the Twin Cities, particularly those who have skin of a darker color. Remember the children’s hymn, Jesus Loves the Little Children, all the children of the world? It is true. Jesus loves all of he children, but I firmly believe that He is looking down on the discord in the world and weeping for us, with us. I love you to the moon and back. I will be at church on Sunday to say hi, but I carry you in my heart forever. Love, Mom.

Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war

Dear Ravi,

Your father and I are pacifists, and we raised you to be the same. Throughout your 22 years of life, you were a peace seeking creature. But, early Sunday morning, the powers that be let slip the dogs of war and our country attacked Venezuela and kidnapped their leader and his wife. I wish that I could tell you that this is fake news. It is not. 2,000 ICE agents have been turned loose in our state. Some of them are in our neighborhood, in the areas where we used to get tacos and play in the park. This is not fake news either. As you know, our street is 2 blocks from mega mansions and 4 blocks from complete poverty. Many different races live here peacefully. We pay our taxes, we believe in democracy, we care for our fellow humans. But this pathetic man child that we call our president wants to destroy what is best about our state. Though I miss you deeply, I am glad you are not here to witness this. It is a complete abomination of all that we have ever stood for. I am proud that you voted for Joe Biden. We rejoiced the night that he was elected and on the day he was inaugurated. For 4 years we did not wake up with a feeling of abject dread. I miss you and I miss that feeling of security.

I still have no word on Mercury. I assume they are somewhere in the metro area. I have no idea if they are safe, if they have secure housing or a job. Our family seems to think that Robert and I are the evil ones and hide from us any details of their wellbeing. John’s Christmas letter was a joke and his mention of you was only a ploy for sympathy, not any real regret for your death. Robert and I have distanced ourselves as far as we can for their petty attempts to stir up drama and discord. We have our friends, we have St. Clements Church. We have a few cousins whom we adore. The rest of them can go pound sand. We walk away.

My love, I am sorry if this missive sounds so angry. I fear that common sense has gone down the tube. I dream of you and Mercury. I dream of our world being a safe place for everyone, regardless of their race. I don’t want the dogs of war to be unleashed. I want the true democracy and love that our state holds dear to prevail. I want affordable groceries, health care for all, and everyone to walk the streets in safety. I want a cure for cancer. I want peace. Is this too much to ask? I don’t think so. Bernie Sanders does not think so. Neither does Tim Walz. These are people that stand on the right side of justice.

I miss you, my son. I miss Mercury and pray for their safety. I hope that they know that they can always come home. The door is open; the light is on. We pray for reconciliation. Join us in praying for all cancer patients, for all who are in harm’s way, and all who work for peace. Let’s put the collar back on the dogs or war and let clearer heads prevail. Love you forever, Mom.