Tag: family

Good night, sweet prince

Dear Ravi,

At 8:21 this morning your Uncle Rob ascended into glory and joined you in heaven. “Good night, sweet prince. May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.” He fought a long hard fight against cancer. I refuse to say that he lost that battle, but that medicine failed him. The tumors came fast and furious in the last 18 months, particularly in the past few weeks. When we saw him in August, he was in the hospital, but still sharp and working remotely. He was bright, engaging and interested in the world around him.

Do you remember the axolotl that sits on the back of our living room sofa? Your Uncle Rob sent that to you because he believed in the healing power of stuffed animals. One day, shortly after you were diagnosed, a small package showed up on our doorstep. It was addressed to you. We opened it the box up and a 3-foot-long axolotl sprang forth from the box. There was no note, nothing to explain where it came from. We were charmed but dumbfounded. I sent a picture to your Aunt Mags, a wildlife biologist, and she concurred that it was, indeed, and axolotl. I sent a picture to my cousin Paul, a veterinarian. We often send each other silly gifts. Nope, not him. Still completely perplexed, I put a picture of it on social media and asked if anyone knew where it came from. A bit later, your Aunt Cindy remarked that Rob had seen it online and thought it was cute. She had no idea that he was actually going to buy it! Mystery solved. The axolotl was promptly dubbed Rob and spent much of its time either lounging on the back of the sofa or on your bed. You loved it. After you passed, I worried that the stuffed Rob would become lonely, so he has inhabited the back of the sofa ever since. When I look at it, it never fails to bring a smile to my face.

Ravi, I want you to know this. Your Uncle Rob fought cancer with a tenacity that I have never seen before. Even in the last weeks of his life, he was still looking for another treatment or potential cure. He never gave up. He worked up until almost the very end. He leaves behind scores of bereaved people; his family, his friends, his coworkers and members of St. Albans. He will not be forgotten, he lives on in our hearts, just like you do. Please welcome him to heaven and give him a giant hug. We are traveling to Indiana early next week to comfort Cindy, Robbie, and Aaron. I believe that the funeral is next weekend. We will stay for a few days after that, just to lend support. The best things that our friends ever did for us after we lost you was just to show up. We were deep in mourning, but we never once felt alone. We want to give that support to Cindy.

It is a grey, blustery, windy day here which rather matches my mood. The day after you died was blue and beautiful. I could not comprehend how that sun continued to rise and set when you were no longer in our world. Today, it feels like heaven is crying, even though Rob is being greeted with a grand reception at the heavenly gates. My love, I miss you and I miss your Uncle Rob. Take care of each other. Until we meet again, love, Mom.

Hi Ravi!

Good afternoon! Daddy and I were out walking Gloria when we saw you flitting from tree to tree in your perky red cardinal form. You seemed to be enjoying the cooler weather. Today, Daddy and I are in recovery mode. Last night we went to the State Fair for the first time in over 2 decades. I think the last time we attended Daddy had you in a backpack and I had your sibling in a front carrier. You thought that the goats were funny. After you were able to walk, we never went back. Huge crowds of people overwhelmed you, and I was terrified of losing you. I did take Mercury to the fair when she was 5. I put them in the jogger and pushed them around the grounds. We rode the sky needle and checked out the baby animals. After an hour, they were done. Going to the fair without kids was a new experience. We rather liked it. I was not worried about anyone overheating, melting down, getting lost, throwing up, etc. We parked about as mile away and walked in. We viewed the arts and crafts and textiles building. We roamed the 4H building and looked at the kid’s crafts. Daddy found his favorite strawberries and cream and devoured them. We split a coke. We sat on a bench and watched the crowds go by, leaning up against each other. As it got later, we wended our way to the grandstand.

Weird Al was the featured performer last night. I have loved him since the 1980s when he was on Dr. Demento. If we do not own all of his albums, I am shocked. Daddy and I have wanted to see him live for decades and last night we got our wish. Al sang, danced, played the accordion and parodied other artists for well over 2 hours. The man was literally nonstop! At 10 pm he wrapped up his performance with some incredible encores and then the fireworks started. I don’t think I have been to a fireworks show since 1998. Daddy and I spent the entire evening smiling and laughing. I don’t think we have done that in years either. I guess it just goes to show you that we all have the capacity for deep grief and for deep joy. I never stop missing you, but last night showed us that it is okay to feel happiness. You were never a homebody, and you would not expect us to wither up at home either. The world is made to be explored!

After the fireworks we drifted off the grounds with thousands of other fairgoers and walked back to the car, gabbing about what a great concert it had been. This morning, we slept late. Daddy and I are introverts. Being around throngs of people takes all of our energy. Today is just a quiet day to look for you flying about while we walk the dogs. Today is a day for laundry and cleaning. Today is a time to be quiet.

Tomorrow, I have a Sunday School meeting before church and then Daddy and I are heading back to the fair with Laurie. There is an exhibition of draft horses doing barrel racing. That sounds so incredibly goofy that we just have to see it. I also want to go to the barns and see all the 4H kids showing their animals. I am not really interested in fair food as everything seems to center around dairy, but I am very curious how many fair foods can be served deep fried and on a stick. One of our friends highly recommends the key lime pie on a stick. In a world that feels like it is crashing into madness, there is something deeply human and affirming about just being at the fair. We were not ready to do it last year, but this year I count it as a blessing.

Keep flying high my son. I see you in the cardinals and the monarch butterflies. I miss you but I delight that you were part of our lives for 22 years. Love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Ravi Dive Bombed Me!

Dear Ravi,

Truly you were feeling your oats today! I had not seen you in several days. A friend asked me if cardinals migrate, but I said that I don’t think all of them, as I have seen them hanging around in the winter. Anyway, this morning started off quietly enough. I took Jack Jack and Gloria on a 5 mile walk along the river with a friend. We walked to Dave’s bench and then took a little trail that carried us along a creek. It is so dry here there was scarcely any water to be seen or hears. On my return home Raya seemed to have a serious case of FOMO. She wanted to go for a walk with Daddy and me. Daddy suggested that I slip out the back door and he would take her out the front. We are working on getting her more used to going places with Dad. So, I walked around the house and was waiting on the top steps for them to emerge. Suddenly, a male juvenile cardinal flew out of the tree next to our bedroom and was aimed straight at my knees! At the last possible moment, he shot upwards into my face, so we were seeing eye to eye. Clearly, this cardinal was living his best life. After giving me the hairy eyeball he swooped into the neighbors’ tree. As he bopped off, I could swear I heard him laughing. I firmly believe that it was you, just popping in the say hello, checking out your home, and jubilantly flying off again. It was so good to see you. You often come to me in my dreams, but I have had fewer face to face encounters. Hello!

As you know, we were in Indiana 2 weeks ago helping your Aunt Cindy as Rob was once again in the hospital. Shortly after we left, he was transferred to an acute care rehabilitation facility. He stayed there for 2 weeks, Cindy was trained in his cares, and he came home. Sadly, he lasted at home less than 15 hours. He became spastic and non-responsive and Cindy once again called 911. He spent much of the day in the ER. CT scans showed a brain bleed and numerous lesions on his brain, including one on the parietal lobe. After a long day he was transferred into the ICU. Today he is much more alert and cheerful and should be moved into the regular neurology ward. He is adamantly in favor of doing whole brain radiation, though it may only garner him a month or more left to live. Being your uncle Rob, he is still fighting, still looking forward. I ask you to join in Cindy’s prayer that Rob can remain being Rob, with little pain, until he feels that it is time to leave. Please hold him, Cindy, and your cousins Aaron and Robbie in your prayers. We are leaving town soon to help them, returning at the very end of August. Chris, our amazing pet and house sitter will be holding the helm here. No need to dive bomb him, he is a lovely person and speaks fluent Australian Shepherd.

Thank you so much for surprising me today. I was a wee bit startled, but more delighted than everything else. I will continue to look for you. Jen says that there is a Democrat running for office in her town and that his name is Ravi! She voted for him. Truly you are famous. I keep receiving refusals from agents, but one was actually really nice. She said that your story was compelling and it did not quite fit her needs, but that there are tons of other agents who might like it and to keep trying. Ravi, I will keep trying.

The dogs are at my feet, Daddy is making dinner, and all is peaceful. The only thing missing is your and Mercury. I miss and love you both. Mom.

Cardinals sing for me

Dear Ravi,

Yesterday was a lovely yet bittersweet day at church. There was beautiful music and a light breeze wafting through the open windows. There were only women serving at the altar. The organ swelled and billowed amazing music. In the midst of this beauty, I realized once again that I can no longer sing. I have not sung since you left us. I have not played the piano since you slipped away. My musical muse is gone. I am grateful that my writing muse has stayed the course, but I can no longer sing or practice piano. Both have been a huge part of my life since I was a little kid. Suddenly I am thinking of the song The Day the Music Died. Ravi, my musical muse died with you. When I am joined with you again, I will sing. Until then, I listen to and enjoy the choir and the organ. Daddy still plays the piano occasionally, and I enjoy listening to him. I am afraid if I touch the keyboard I will crack into one thousand little pieces.

After church I slipped down to see you. The chapel was cool and inviting. I spent a long time with my hand on your niche, talking to you and praying for you. My love, I miss you.

The highlight of the weekend was a visit from Karen, Hannah’s mom. We spent a wonderful day together. She gifted the dogs with toys and us with a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle that she said reminded her of you. The puzzle is a clothes line full of goofy socks, surrounded by birds and flowers. We are absolutely charmed. Daddy and I got it out last night and got most of the edge pieces sorted out. We figure it will take about a week to finish, and it is time very well spent as it reminds us of you. The major battle is keeping Nikki off the table and not letting him bat the puzzle pieces. The dogs are not much interested.

I found out that Shirley was the one who sent us the fuzzy cardinal blanket. Thank you, Shirley. It was so good to talk to you the other evening. The blanket is the perfect weight to curl up under while I am writing. Adding to the cardinal motif, I heard a pair of cardinals singing yesterday. Cardinals have now become my voice. I can’t sing, but they certainly can!

All of this is to say that I love you and miss you. Our friends remember you fondly. Your legacy lives on in the hearts of those who love you. You are never alone. I am still trying to find an agent to represent your book. Mostly what I am getting is agents that say I have an interesting concept but they are not looking for memoirs at this time. Sigh. I will keep trying. I love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Democracy, Ravi!

Dear Ravi,

Tuesday was a great day for democracy in Minnesota, and other states that had primary elections. To our delight, Peggy Flanagan beat out Angie Craig and will run for MN senator in the fall, hopefully replacing Tina Smith who is stepping down. Amy Klobachar handily won the Democratic vote for Senator. Mike Lindell, the pillow guy, is crying into this pillow and claiming fraud. He is blaming everyone from immigrants to people in Venezuela. Whatever, dude. It was a great day for progressive democracy in our state. I know that you would be proud. After a few victory parties, it is time to focus our attentions on the midterm elections in November. You know as well as the rest of us how important those are. Once again, I will cast my ballot with you and Mercury firmly in mind. I certainly hope that they have enough sense to get out and vote. Whether they know it or not, their future well -being is on the line.

Yesterday was a good day. I got together with Robin for coffee and Pam for a dog walk. She is still trying to find a home for her foster puppy, Callaway. He is super cute and smart. If you know of anyone in the universe who needs a lovely puppy, please send them to Pam or to Safe Hands Rescue. Today, all three of our dogs have dates. I am walking Jack Jack and Gloria with Lucia at 8am and then Raya with Laurie at 10 am. Laurie and I will meet at the nature preserve. Do you remember when we used to walk there and check out the baby owlets? To me, that seems both like yesterday and a lifetime ago. I hope that there are owlets in heaven.

I talked to Jenn on Monday about being a peer bereavement mentor. I will do the training in November. I want other bereaved parents to know that they do not have to walk this path alone. You and Zach will always be remembered. Other parents who have suffered a loss should know that their precious child is remembered as well. I remember you when I see something funny and I laugh. I remember you when I cry out in anguish because you are so missed. You are my first thought when I awaken and my last thought as I drift off to sleep. Ravi, as we fight for a more progressive democracy, know that I always carry you with me. Love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Primary Day!

Dear Ravi,

Minnesota and Wisconsin have primary elections today. I was up bright and early at our polling place. The foot traffic was brisk and there were more than a few people signing up to vote for the first time. Everyone was smiling, directing people, and handing out stickers. It was a very upbeat place. I voted a straight Democratic ticket for you and for Mercury. I will always have your best interests at heart. I wish you could have been there with me.

Before voting I took Jack Jack to the vet for his dental cleaning. The techs all made a big fuss over him, and he happily trotted into the back to garner more belly rubs. He will be spending most of the day there and I will walk Gloria and Raya. Daddy was going to soar today but there is a low indefinite ceiling and looks like there is little lift. Right now, he is sleeping the sleep of the just. I think we are still recovering from the last week of travel, family, and friends. It is very good to be home where things are peaceful and pets are plenty.

I have a meeting with Jenn today, my bereavement peer and plan to talk to her about becoming a peer mentor. Talking with her is one of the highlights of my week and I want to pass that on to others, parents who have lost a child. Together, we will keep the memories of our children alive and well.

This is just a short note today. I just wanted to let you know that I voted and will vote again in November. I am sitting in my favorite reading chair surrounded by pictures of cardinals. Gloria is lying at my feet, hoping for a walk. Nikki is snoozing. I miss you. I love you forever. Mom.

Thoughts on Osteosarcoma

Dear Ravi,

July is Sarcoma awareness month, and it is winding to a close. We are touched by all the friends who reached out with memories of you, donated to the Osteosarcoma Institute, or just volunteered a kind word. The words thank you simply do not express our deep gratitude. There were all sorts of statistics that were on social media about Osteosarcoma. Some of them were correct and a few of them were simply very wrong. I saw one statistic that claimed that there was a 70% survival rate at the 5-year mark. Maybe this is true if the cancer was stage one. I highly doubt it. Osteosarcoma is a sneaky, devious cancer. It hides deep in the body and often is stage 4 before it is ever caught. The 5-year survival rate at that point is about 30% and that does not factor in the other cancers that may come later from treatment, the kidney disease, the heart problems, or the potential of going blind or deaf. In short, the statistics are really grim and treatments for Osteosarcoma are over 40 years old. So, we continue to fight and to advocate for better outcomes. I will always be an autism advocate, but I will also be an osteosarcoma advocate. I can wear more than one hat.

The weather is super hot and muggy. Daddy is faithfully watering your trees every night and they are doing well. I can’t say as much for the rest of the yard. I was out walking the other day and wondering what I can do to honor your upcoming second anniversary in heaven. Just then a cardinal swooped in front of me. I thought about my recent conversation with Jenn, my bereavement peer, and it occurred to me that the most useful way that I can honor you is to become a bereavement peer myself. Jenn came into my life when I was completely overcome with grief and not even functional. We meet every week and talked about all sorts of things. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry Sometimes we swear a lot. Our dogs wander in and out of our zoom meetings. We share snarky texts and cute animal photos all during the week. I want to be a light in someone’s grief like Jenn is for me. I am not going to do anything before your heavenly anniversary in October, but then I will sign up for training sessions.

It’s been a busy morning. I took the car to the garage for a low tire and then walked back. I took Raya for a walk. In a little bit I will take Gloria to the vet. She has not been eating and we are very worried. Hopefully, they can set her to right. Please keep praying for your Uncle Rob. He is back in the hospital with an infection. I have a pet sitter on standby and have told your Aunt Cindy that if she needs us, we will pick up the keys and start driving. Clarksville is about 10 hours from St. Paul, and we can drive there in one day. First though, I have to get Gloria to the vet. She was your best bed buddy and she misses you. This does not stop her from bossing around the other dogs and the cat. Even though she does not feel great she is still a force of nature! I am off to wake up your Daddy and get the day moving. I miss you but hope that heaven is climate controlled. Love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Six Week Follow Up

Dear Ravi,

I have just obtained a modicum of freedom! Yesterday was my 6 week follow up appointment with Dr. Mullaney, my orthopedic surgeon. He looked at the most recent X ray of my cervical spina and said that it was healing nicely. All restrictions were lifted. I no longer have to wear a neck brace, aka the cone of shame, I can drive, and I can begin PT! I am very happy. I haven’t driven yet but I will later today. I scheduled a haircut and a facial just to make myself look and feel better. It has been months since I have been behind the wheel. I keep telling myself that I have been driving for over 4 decades and it will come back to me. Nonetheless, I will stick to our neighborhood streets and back roads for my first time out. Daddy has been a lovely and trusted chauffeur these last few months it will feel great to venture out on my own.

I had two very solid reminders of you yesterday. Daddy and I were at the running store, and an older gentleman and his adult autistic son came in for a pair of shoes. This young man did not look like you, but other than that the semblance was uncanny. He was tall, wore a floppy hat, was doing lots of happy flaps, and clearly loved his daddy. HIs gait was also just like yours. I can never quite put into words how you moved, but it was very distinctive. You were easy to pick out of a crowd. This young man moved in a very similar fashion. The store staff was so sweet to him and helped him find the perfect pair of shoes. I did not hear him speak a word, but it was clear that mouth words were not needed between him and his dad. They understood each other perfectly. He stood next to his dad the entire time, held his hand and it was clear that this was his favorite human. I thought of how you always held my hand when we were out in public, or stood as close as possible to me and your daddy. I can still feel your hand in mine, warm and solid with a firm grip. I can see you wearing one of your favorite hats, bopping along, exploring the wide world around you. The world was your oyster and you were determined to open it.

The other sign that you are still close by came last night when I was road testing my new running shoes. I took all of the dogs out for individual walks. As Gloria and I were heading back towards our street a male cardinal swooped down from a tree directly in front of us. He flew across the street, landed on a fence and looked curiously at us. Then he flew to a nearby tree. I could hear another cardinal calling to him but could not see it. I can only assume that he had a mate and possibly chicks in a nest close by. As always, family is important.

Please pray for your Uncle Rob. He has spent the last week in the hospital. Today he is moving into a step down sub-acute facility. He is not sick enough to be in the hospital but not well enough to return home. He was scheduled for 2 weeks of radiation therapy but that is being put on hold as the step-down facility does not coordinate with the cancer center. Hopefully, this will be a time of healing and rest for him. His son, your cousin Aaron has his 26th birthday this week. I can always remember both Robbie and Aaron’s birthdays. You and Robbie share a birthday, and Aaron’s birthday is exactly one month after Mercury’s.

Ravi, I miss you deeply, but you sent me two signs yesterday that you are doing well and flying free. I have a meeting this morning with an agent to talk about my manuscript and your short but impactful life. After that I will get a haircut and join Pamela for a dog walk. She is juggling multiple dogs at the moment so all hands on deck are helpful. It feels so good to be strong enough to help my friends. It is a beautiful day today, the weather is not too hot, and the air is blessedly clear. It does not hurt to breathe. The dogs are just happy to be going on walks again. A week indoors due to unsafe air conditions was enough to drive us all a bit batty. Fly free my son and I will look for you in the autism community and in the cardinals that fly through our neighborhood. I love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Smoke, haze, 5 weeks post op

Dear Ravi,

It is eerie this morning. Due to the wildfires up north, smoke hangs thick in the air. I put the dogs out early this morning and I could taste and smell the smoke. It was like one could almost take a bite out of it. Even though the temperature was in the low 70s for a change, a dog walk was impossible. I hastily brought all the pets inside and slammed the door. No birds are singing. I hope that you and they migrated someplace safe where you can actually breathe. I doubt that you need an N95 mask in heaven, but wouldn’t it be silly and sad to see birds with masks over their beaks? What a sad world we have created. I am praying for this weather to break and that we get a good hard rainstorm. The backyard is a mess. It is too hot to mow, and all the grass is dying. I only care about your baby trees and Daddy religiously waters them with a slow drip hose every night. So far, they look okay, but the air quality cannot be helping them.

On a brighter note, I am 5 weeks plus 2 days out of surgery. I feel much stronger. In 6 days, I go see my surgeon for a checkup and hopefully lose this neck brace. In hot weather it traps the air and clings to me like a desperate octopus. I am ready to be rid of it. Before this week I was walking about 25 miles and week and getting steadily faster. I have not walked since last Sunday. Church was stifling last week. We met in the sanctuary, but everyone had fans and no one vested. All the windows and door were open but there was not a breath of air. Ten minutes into the service Joy announced that this coming Sunday we are meeting in the parish hall. The room has air conditioning. Pizza church on Wednesday was also held inside. We have a lot of very young and very elderly people in our congregation, and I worry about their safety in this heat and with this bad air quality.

Since I haven’t been able to get outside, I have been binge watching the World Cup. I love soccer and have since I was a kid. I love watching some of the best players in the world compete. We are down to the final match on Sunday, Argentina versus Spain. Sadly, England lost to Argentina in yesterday’s match. The US team washed out last week. I wasn’t even that sad after the red card scandal that got “fixed”. I do want to remind you that the US Women’s Team has won 4 World Cup championships in a row, without any outside interference!

Please pray for your Uncle Rob, Aunt Cindy, and their sons. He is not doing well. Pray for better mobility, strength, less pain, and better quality of life. I have Chris, our pet sitter set up to come at a moment’s notice if Cindy calls and says that she needs help. We are ready to start driving at a moment’s notice.

The pets are demanding my attention, even though they just had a scrumptious breakfast. That was 15 minutes ago and they have already forgotten. I know that you are flying free away from this earth that is on fire. I miss you desperately but am glad you are safe and strong in a place that can do you no harm. I love you forever, Mom.

Gloria has a birthday today!

Hi everyone!

This is Gloria and I have stolen mommy’s computer. Please bear with me as I don’t have thumbs and it takes me a while to type. I want you to know that I am a very good girl. I first met mommy when I was 3 weeks old. She sat down in a pile of puppies, me and my brothers and sisters, to play with us. We all played for a while and then all the other puppies wandered off, and I crawled into her lap and fell asleep. That was when mommy and I decided that we belonged together. I came home with mommy when I was 8 weeks old. I was a little uncertain about leaving my littermates, but I decided that mommy, daddy, Ravi, and Mercury were okay. When mommy introduced me to Ravi he began to cry. He was afraid that mommy would not love him anymore. She convinced him that she had plenty of love in her heart for all of us and soon Ravi and I became good friends. I miss him.

Right now, I live with mommy, daddy, Jack Jack ,Raya, Nikki, and Catherine. Jack Jack is my half-brother, we have the same daddy. I wasn’t sure about Raya at first, but we have learned to live with each other. Mostly we just ignore each other. She likes to play with Nikki, she cat. I like to play with/boss around Jack Jack. My favorite thing to do is to go for walks with Mommy by myself. Yesterday, I was trotting down the sidewalk and a funny man said, “Hi there, killer!” I was very proud. I may only weigh 12 pounds, but I am very fierce. When I am not walking with mommy I like to run around the backyard and bark at bunnies or people in the alley, chew on bones, and sit in mom’s lap. Since she is recovering from surgery we have been watching a lot of World Cup Soccer. I would love to chase a soccer ball. I bet I could even score a goal! Messi has nothing on me!

Well, my paws are getting tired, so I think I will sign off. I have bunnies to chase. I want to remind you that I really loved Ravi and that this month is Sarcoma Awareness Month. Did you know that the drugs used to treat Osteosarcoma are over 40 years old? Did you know that you can help further research and better outcomes by clicking the link below?

https://osinst.org/herndon-fundraiser

Even if you don’t contribute you can still see some fun pictures of my best friend, Ravi. As mommy always says, be a good human. I will try to be a good dog, but sometimes it is more fun to be naughty. Ta ta, Gloria.