Tag: blog

Moving Parts, lots of them

Dear Ravi,

Yesterday, after church I checked in with you in the chapel. When we spoke last week, I told you I was very worried about Mercury and the decisions that they were making. I asked if you to keep an eye on them and guide them as possible. At the time, I believed that they were still in Stillwater, OK. I left the chapel, and things began to happen super-fast.

Daddy was talking to his dad, your Grandpa Bob the next night. Turns out, he knew that Mercury and their partner had moved to the Twin Cities. He said he had commissioned them to do some art for a book, that he had their address but would not give it to us. He also said that they seemed very restricted and lacking a general purpose. We thanked him for the information and did not push him for more. Through other back channels we found out that they and Eli were staying with my sister, but after 2 weeks were asked to leave. If they treated her house like they treated our (in other words, as their own B and B) I can’t say that I blame her. So, to the best of my knowledge, Ravi, your nonbinary offspring has dropped out of school, lost their job, returned to the metro area and is homeless and couch surfing. We suspect that they are in an abusive situation. In no way, shape or form is Eli ever coming back in our house. Mercury is welcome, but we have a lot of work to do as a family. I will extend them grace, but I do not trust them at all. I feel that they need a lot of intense therapy as an individual, and with me and your daddy, to work out all of their feelings and get their life back on track. This is not something that I can cause to happen. Mercury has to make the first move, and that is often the scariest one.

I had the oddest series of dreams last night. In the first one you and I were laughing, and you were eating your favorite dill pickle flavored popcorn. This was lovely. We were both so happy. The scene changed and I dreamed Eli had gotten Mercury hooked on meth and all their teeth had fallen out. The scene shifted again, and I was at an Osteosarcoma Special Olympics. Many young children were there; their ports were accessed to get chemo. Some were missing arms and legs and hope. Someone was trying to get them to exercise. I screamed and ran. The final dream was in a public bathroom. A random woman walked up to me and said, “Mercury has to make their own decisions”. Then she walked away. I woke up in a cold sweat.

I loved the part of the dream where you and I were laughing together. The parts about Mercury losing their teeth and the Osteosarcoma Special Olympics were terrifying. I absolutely trust the random lady in the public bathroom saying that Mercury has to make their own decisions. This lady was absolutely correct. Mercury is an adult and has to choose what type of life they want to lead. In order to really lead a true and fulfilling life, they have to break away from Eli. I can’t hurry this along, but I can pray fervently for their safety. Ravi, I believe that you know and understand what is going on. I thank you for listening and caring. I feel that things are starting to shift. They may shift rapidly, or this may take more time. In the interim, your daddy and I have our own lives to lead. There is work to be done, blogs and books to write, trips to be taken. It still is strange having an empty nest, but I am learning to lean into this strangeness. You are never far from us. You are just slightly out of sight, out of earshot.

Ravi, my love, I hope you are dancing in heaven and eating all your favorite foods. I wish you an eternity of joyfulness. I miss you. You are the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think of when I close my eyes. Fly free my dear Boo Bear, and we will chat again soon. All my love, Mom.

Happy Birthday, Ravi!

Dear Ravi,

Today you are 23 years old and celebrating your first birthday in heaven. I am certain you are having a much bigger party than we were able to throw for you when you turned 18 or 21. I instinctively knew that you would want to celebrate this birthday outside. Yesterday, you daddy and I walked over to St. Clement’s to visit you. The church had just had the carpets cleaned and no one was supposed to go downstairs or to the chapel, but when we explained why we were there, a very nice man let us come inside. We spent a long time in the chapel, talking to you, talking to each other, and just sitting and remembering. It is a very peaceful place to be. On our way out we ran into Joy, who gives the best hugs in the world. We talked for a minute about Gather, the new autism friendly services our church is beginning this fall. We are all super excited about this. In the fall, I am also helping lead sensory friendly Sunday School classes. We will have a prayer, a lesson, and a song. After that students are invited to do a variety of things, both large and small motor, with many sensory tools thrown in for good measure. It has been a while since I have taught, and I am looking forward to this.

This afternoon, your daddy and I met our dear friend, Roberta, at the Como Zoo. We wandered the entire zoo. We saw a baby giraffe and met a very saucy ostrich. The sloths just slept, but many of the primates were quite active. Our favorite part was watching the seals and the sea lions swim. They are so peaceful and aquatic. I could have spent all afternoon just observing them. Do you remember how much you loved watched the seals?

It got hot, so we stopped for a break and a snack. In your honor, I had a red slushie. It tasted divine. Roberta had to leave after that, but your daddy and I went to watch Sparky the sea lion do his tricks for fish. Remember how mom used a clicker to train Rosie, your service dog? Seals and sea lions also learn their skills and tricks via clicker training. Instead of cheese or hotdogs, they get raw fish and ice cubes! At the end of the show, we went to the tropical room. The mama and baby sloth were not there, but there were tons of fish and birds and turtles to enjoy. I think you would have liked it.

Tonight, we walked over to Shish for dinner, meeting our friends Daniel and Robin. I got my favorite, red lentil soup and pita bread. Some things never change. I have loved that dish since before you were born and I continue to order it every time we eat there. Yesterday, we stopped by next door at the Italian Pie shop for vanilla cokes. You would have approved of the garlic bread, it came with a shot glass of pizza red sauce. I have fond memories of you doing shots of that sauce when we would take you to Carbonnes Pizza. First you would do shots, then you would eat the cheesy garlic bread, and then last but not least, you would make quick work of a sausage and pepperoni pizza. These memories make me smile through the tears.

I heard from a lot of people that knew and loved you today. You live on, strong and healthy, and free, in our memories. I see you when I see male cardinals flying by or sitting in trees. Alissa sent me a video of cardinals she saw from her balcony in Hawaii, and teacher Linda sent me a beautiful video of a male cardinal in her backyard fountain. All of these birds looked very happy. My son, I hope and pray that you too, are happy. We miss you so much. Someday, we will all celebrate birthdays together again. In the meantime, please keep showing up as a cardinal, a monarch butterfly, or in any other form that pleases you. I am still working hard on getting your book published and bringing more attention both to autism and to osteosarcoma. I am now working on a second book called Letters to Ravi, Letters to God.

Thank you to everyone who reached out to use today. You are such good humans. Thank you to Karen, who sent the beautiful cardinal yard flag, which I have planted in the front yard. I am grateful to call you all my friends. Go forth, do good works, keep in touch. Peace, Harriet, Ravi’s mom.