Tag: christmas

Merry Christmas Boo

Dear Ravi,

From your most adoring mom, may I wish you a merry Christmas. I hope you are having a wonderful day in heaven, but I suppose every day in heaven is wonderful. As you know, Daddy and I have chosen to celebrate Christmas liturgically but not commercially. This means that we plunge ourselves deeper into our work at St. Clements, but we do not decorate, put up a tree, or exchange presents. You were never a huge fan of Christmas, anyway. You did not see the reason for upsetting your routine or bringing a tree or unnecessary boxes into the house. Though we never pushed the Santa myth on you or Mercury, we did put out stockings. You liked those because we stuffed them with your favorite kind of treats and sensory toys. You never had any interest in opening boxes or bags. If you found one thing you liked, you wandered off with it. We would let Mercury open boxes to their heart’s content but would let you go at your own pace. Sometimes, it took several days to open all your gifts and that is okay. Everyone can do Christmas in their own way.

Yesterday was busy. I had PT in the morning. Right after lunch Daddy and I went to St Clements. The first service of the day was the sensory friendly service led by Joy. We sat in a circle in the parish hall and built a creche scene out of blocks. We used the sand table as a base and as Joy read the Gospel, she invited the participants to use blocks, figures, feathers, and various paper animals to create the scene. This was greeted with much enthusiasm. We celebrated the Eucharist and sang a few songs. Everyone was engaged and happy. At the end, we chatted a bit and shared some snacks. An hour later nearly everyone left, and Daddy and I put things away. We went downstairs to visit you, and then Daddy went home to let the dogs out.

Next up was the Christmas pageant. This was a much higher energy service. Half of the children who had originally wanted to be sheep decided that they would rather be angels. Many of the angels defected and became sheep. No problem, I just stuffed of many tiny bodies in the costume of their choice. Lots of adoring parents and grandparents attended this service. It was well contained chaos. The older children did well. The sheep, shepherds, and angels hung in there. It was late afternoon, they were all tired, in need of a snack, and totally hyped up about it being nearly Christmas. Joy led all of us through the Eucharist, dispatched us in record time and dismissed us with Christmas greetings. I helped all the children get out of their costumes and put the costumes and tinsel garlands away. I popped into the chapel to say hello to you and then went home and collapsed for two hours.

I was back at church by 7:15 and robed up to be an acolyte. There were three women acolytes, 3 women lay Eucharistic ministers, and Joy, George, and a supply priest as Elizabeth had finally succumbed to the bug she had been fighting for the previous nine days. Ravi, it was a beautiful service and the female energy at the altar was off the charts. There was beautiful music, candles, chanting, and best of all, no incense! Worshiping at the altar, surrounded by other women was exactly where I wanted to be at that moment. It was an amazing blessing. Post service, I went downstairs to put my robe away. I was going to stop in the chapel one more time to say hi, but there was a bunch of older teens and young adults in there, having a marvelous time! I figured that you are a 23-year-old male, you were surrounded by your peers and did not need your mother poking her nose in on your fun. So, I blew you a kiss and headed out into the night. I think we both had a great evening.

Something you may not know about Christmas, Ravi. Twenty-five years ago, on Christmas Eve, your daddy and I got engaged. It was not a terribly romantic proposal, but it suited us just fine. We knew that we were meant to be together. Soon after, we went to a Christmas party with our friends and announced our engagement. Penny had just found a diamond ring at an antique store and decided that this should by my loaner ring until Robert and I picked out one just for me. I happily wore that ring all winter and into the early spring until we chose the one that I wear now. Penny has always had a very special place in my heart, but she made a wonderful evening even better.

So, now it is Christmas morning, and the pets are dozing at my feet. It is still dark outside. As usual, my muse picks odd times to become active. I do my best writing between 3 and 5 am. In a few hours, Daddy and I will go to the Pagoda restaurant and pick up Chinese Dim Sum and bring it to Dan and Robin and a few friends. This is our new tradition that we began last year and we like it. Later in the day, I will walk the dogs and probably take a nap. We don’t need presents and a tree, we have each other and some dear friends. I wish that you and Mercury were joining us, but I carry both of you in my heart. Ravi, today is the day that the Word became incarnate. I know that you are celebrating in heaven. Someday, we will all be together again. Until then, I love you forever and always, Mom.

What binds us

Dear Ravi,

Do you remember how we always used to wear yellow on scan days for good luck? You would wear your Boston Marathon t shirt, and we would both wear our yellow No One Fights Alone bracelets. I ordered a dozen of those bracelets when you were first diagnosed. You and I always had one on, and we gave the rest of them to those that we love. When you passed, I slipped the bracelet off your wrist and sent it to Mercury. It was battered and worn, much like your body, but it was also a symbol of your resilience. For the last 3 years I have worn the yellow bracelet for you and a pride bracelet for Mercury. I have never taken them off, until last weekend.

Last weekend was the annual White Elephant Party. I have not attended a Christmas party in years, but it was a lot of fun. As I was preparing for the party, I realized that though I was dressed up, my Ravi and Mercury bracelets looked rather sad and worn. I slipped them off for the night and wore a dressy bracelet I have not put on in over three years. When I returned from the party, I slipped my old bracelets back on and felt like I was returning home.

Yesterday, I got together with Penny and Laurie to make bread. We had a lovely time. I realized that in order to work the dough, I would have to take off my watch, bracelets, and rings. I have not taken my wedding bands off in years. As I was slipping these things off, the yellow bracelet fell to pieces in my hand. I have worn it night and day for three years and I guess it finally gave up. For a moment I was very sad. I felt that I had lost you. I sat with that feeling and then carefully put the bracelet in my pocket. Ravi, I have not lost you. You are my constant memory. When you were in my womb, our cells intermixed. You became a part of me, and I became a part of you. We cannot be separated. The yellow bracelet was just an outer symbol of your strength and resilience. It has now crumbled into dust, but your memory lives strong. I put the pieces of the bracelet in my jewelry box where I can keep it safe. I don’t need a plastic bracelet to remind me of you; you are firmly in my heart.

Christmas is coming and it is a strange time of year. Your daddy and I are starting new traditions. I baked bread with dear friends. We will attend the Blue Christmas service and the help at the sensory friendly service on Christmas Eve. On Christmas Day, we will bring Dim Sum to Dan and Robin. I have no desire to put up a tree or to send cards. Our house is decorated with dog fur, not Christmas lights. In January, I plan to write lots of snail mail to dear friends, just to let them know how much we appreciate them. I have no season’s greetings to send, but I have a lot of love to share.

So, my love, though the bracelets that we wore together have crumbled into dust, my love for you will never fade. I carry you in my heart wherever I go. When I am doing something or going somewhere that I need to be brave, I wear a pair of your silly socks for courage. When I picked out a new pair of glasses last week, I chose blue frames because they reminded me of a pair of glasses that you once wore, and also the deep beautiful blue of your eyes. If there is an Advent or Christmas in heaven, I hope you are having the time of your life. Maybe every day in heaven is like Christmas, full of possibilities, like an unopened present. I miss you, Ravi. I love you. Please watch out for Mercury, I suspect that they are really struggling. Peace and joy. Mom.