Six Months

My darling Boo Bear, it has been six months since you left us. Today is Friday, April 11. You left us on Friday, October 11. I go back in forth in my mind, was that the worst day of my life, or was the worst day of my life the day of your funeral? Maybe it is a tie. Your daddy and I will live with the memories of those two days forever.

I visit you every Sunday at church, but I know you spirit resides out in the wide world. You have started coming to me in dreams, and it is such a blessing! Friends from all over the country are texting me to tell me that they say you as a cardinal, or a beautiful monarch butterfly. Yesterday, I was walking at the nature preserve with a friend. A beautiful male cardinal flew out in front of us. He seemed very happy to be bopping about, taking little flights from tree to tree. This is the first cardinal I have seen since you passed, though others have seen them often. It was so good to see you!

Today is a tough day, but I am glad you are flying free, in a space where there is no pain or fear, cancer or epilepsy. Your soul has left your body. All that is left is memories, and sightings of cardinals and monarch butterflies. That will have to be enough.

I have submitted my book, Not Your Ordinary Autism Book, to Abbey, in hopes that she can find us a publishing company. She says this is her busy season, but she will keep in touch. I want your story to go out to the world, not just locked in the memories of those who loved you.

I have not been running at all since you passed. Your father and I have walked hundreds of miles; walking, meditating, looking at the sky for signs of you, grieving. I think I will go for a run either today or tomorrow. It may not be pretty but is has been such an essential part of my life since I was 13, that I think I should try it again. Even if it is only a mile or two or running/walking, that would be okay. I feel that I need to do this for you.

Today is a dark, overcast day, but the sun is predicted to come out later. I am going for a walk with a friend early this afternoon. We will look for signs of you. After that, I will try a brief run. Your daddy will be out at the glider field tomorrow, polishing the gliders and getting ready for the soaring season. This makes him happy, and me happy.

I don’t really know where this blog is going, Ravi, but know that I love you deeply and fiercely. I miss you more than words can express. Fly free, my love, and I will look for you in the cardinals and the butterflies.