Tag: birds

A Heavenly Anniversary

Dear Ravi,

It is hard to believe that two years ago you left us. Our entire day, yesterday, was devoted to you. We went to church in the morning, where I had a made a memorial offering of altar flowers. They were beautiful. We sat with friends. Your name was mentioned during the prayers of the people. We tried to go downstairs to the columbarium, but someone was having a counseling session, and we did not want to interrupt them. Instead, we leaned against the outside wall and gave you our blessings. Outside, it was a beautiful, but unseasonably warm day. We decided to go to Gertens to look for a bird feeder. We found and a perfect feeder and also a small present for Penny. We took the long way home on River Road and past Bridge View and Focus Beyond, just to look at the beautiful foliage. It was stunning.

After a quick rest at home, we hung the feeder full of seed above the back patio. The seed we chose is supposed to be a favorite among cardinals. I have not seen any birds yet, despite my best efforts. Yes, your mom was in the back yard, calling, “Here birdy, birdy, birdy, free food!” I am certain that in due time our feathered friends will show up. The kitty is very excited. He never goes outside, but he sits on my reading chair and watches what is going on out of doors. I call it his kitty TV.

As a quiet nod to you, we ordered dinner from Carbone’s pizza. We got a full topping pizza and cheesy bread, your favorite. Lauren, Andrew, and baby Cora came over to share the feast. Having a busy, happy 14-month-old in the house was the best therapy ever! Cora is walking, babbling, using baby sign, and loves to read books. Your daddy and I immediately volunteered to baby sit her if Lauren and Andrew ever want a date without a toddler along. They accepted! The dogs were a bit surprised. They had no idea that humans came in such small sizes. Jack Jack and Raya were very good with Cora. Gloria had many opinions and had to be banished to a back room for the evening. Nikki put in a brief appearance but decided to keep his distance from the roving toddler. All in all, it was a lovely evening. It was a lovely day. We remembered you in church, got hugs from dear friends, received a multitude of texts and emails, and got to hang out with a toddler! They only thing we could have asked for, obviously, was to have you here with us, enjoying the festivities and a pizza dinner.

Ravi, you were such a wonderful part of our lives for 22 years, so vibrant and alive. Now, you are in heaven with your Uncle Rob and Eric. All of us who are left behind miss you deeply. I never want you to be in pain or fear. Cancer and epilepsy are no longer a part of your reality. Fear and pain are gone forever. I give thanks to God for your life every day. Love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Good Omens

Dear Ravi,

We are two days away from your 2nd anniversary in heaven, but you are popping up all over the place! As you know, our friend Eric died last week. Janet just sent me a video of a male cardinal at her feeder. I told her that you were checking in on her. I was talking to Elizabeth earlier this week about you and reminded her that you often show up as a cardinal. She had forgotten that. Two hours later she was on a zoom call on her back deck when 2 cardinals showed up in a nearby tree and started raising a ruckus. She said that she got goosebumps. I am convinced that you and cousin Joyce were right there. I told her that you only show up for people that you really like. Paul also saw you earlier this week at his feeder in Connecticut.

Today, we were shopping at Costco and I realized that they now have Caroline Carts available. I remembered how much you loved riding in those carts. The night before you passed, we took you to Target, put you in a Caroline Cart and pushed you around. As always, we ended up in the candy aisle. Even though you could no longer eat, we bought you every kind of candy that you might have liked. I cherish that memory. Later, still at Costco I found a 30 lb bag of bird seed with a Cardinal on the front. We promptly purchased it. On Sunday, after church we will go to Menards and buy a bird feeder for the front yard. I just hope that the birds get to it before the squirrels.

It’s been a brutal 2 weeks. We helped bury your uncle Rob and comfort Cindy and the boys. We returned home and less than a week late we lost Eric. His death was not at all expected. He was an amazing man and will be deeply missed. Your 2nd anniversary in heaven is in less than 48 hours. This is a lot to digest. I am happy that you are free of cancer, pain, and fear, but dear Lord, I miss you. On the 17th, we are flying to Virginia for 6 days as a respite. The plan is to go to the farm and go completely off the grid. At most, I will check my phone once a day. I promised Jenn pictures of cows. Chris will be looking after the critters here, and they adore him.

A while back Kathy told me that eventually your death will just be woven into the fabric of my life. Jenn and I both refute this idea. My life goes on, but there are 2 gaping holes in the fabric of my life, one for you and the other for Mercury. I can’t tie up these loose ends or make it pretty. I think at our next session I will tell Kathy that I greatly dislike her analogy. Your death was an out of place death in the rhythm of life. Children are supposed to outlive their parents, but yet, you went first. We will honor you with flowers and prayers at church on Sunday. We will visit you in the columbarium, though Daddy and I both have the distinct feeling that you are no longer there. You are flying free. We love you forever, Mom and Daddy.

Backyard Bird Battles

Hi Ravi!

You won’t believe what was going on in the backyard, feathers were flying. Despite having 2 fruit trees out back, until today they have not attracted any birds. The cherry tree bloomed, grew cherries, and was harvested without event. The crabapple tree continued to make fruit. Yesterday, a dozen chickadees descended on the crabapple tree and decided to have a feast. The tree is still small and does not have many sturdy branches. Though there was a plethora of crabapples, the birds became very pugnacious and fights broke out. They were flying in and out of the tree, divebombing one another and making a complete racket. Little birdie battles were breaking out all over the yard. Nikki was sitting on the back of my chair making his “eck, eck, eck” noise, thinking this show was even better than the World Cup. The dogs remained oblivious. About 10 minutes later, as swiftly as they had come, all the birds vanished. About 3/4s of the fruit was gone. Though my favorite bird is the cardinal, I have to give props to the chickadee. They are so little and so fierce. If they are going to fight that hard for a snack, I will let them have it. Despite what the republicans say, everyone deserves to eat. I am thinking as a 25th anniversary present to ourselves, daddy and I should buy a bird feeder and put it out back. That way everyone can have a snack and maybe it will put a damper on the bird battles.

It has been really hot lately and I have not been taking the dogs with me when I walk. On my walk yesterday I saw a beautiful red cardinal. It cocked its head, looked at me and then flew off into the trees. I am convinced that you were checking in on me. A bit later Paul reported that there was a swarm of cardinals at his feeder in Connecticut. I told him that you, Joyce, and Dave were stopping in to say hi and to have a snack. He agreed. I told him about the backyard bird battles and he was amused. You always did have a way of making people laugh. Sometimes, you make me laugh and cry at the same time.

In 10 days, I get my cervical brace off and I cannot wait. I am hoping to do PT after that to strengthen my body. I am still holding onto a pipe dream that maybe I can run again or at least walk/jog. My marathon and ultra days are probably over, but it would be fun just to be able to jog a 5km. There is a turkey trot in Fredericksburg that I would love to do with Etta and Denny. Time will tell.

We are nearly halfway through Sarcoma Awareness month. I am still talking to anyone who will listen about the needs for better research and outcomes for Osteosarcoma. I will keep banging this particular drum throughout the month, and ultimately, until I take my last breath. Once again dear readers, please find the link to help below.

https://osinst.org/herndon-fundraiser

It is still cool enough to walk the dogs, so I think I will log off. Be sweet and fly high. If you see some chickadees, give them some space. All God’s children have a place in the choir, and all God’s children deserve to eat, be it crabapples, bird seed, or Taco Bell. I love you forever. Mom.

The Perch that did not perch

Dear Ravi,

A sunny day here, but with weather moving in. When I am not dealing with the bureaucracy that is our health care system, I have been taking long walks with either the dogs and Daddy or good friends. Yesterday, a good friend and I walked about 6 miles around our neighborhood. We were walking up Cretin Avenue, at least half a mile from any body of water, when we came upon a dead fish in the middle of the sidewalk. I think the fish was a Perch and it definitely had seen better days. Our only guess was that an eagle or osprey had flown into a nearby tree to eat his snack and dropped it. I have no idea why the bird did not retrieve the fish, but there it sits, looking very dead and sad. Not exactly what we were expecting to see! We also saw tons of birds, bunnies, and turkeys. They were all alive, well, and definitely looking to procreate. It is spring!

I have found myself suddenly without insurance after having been in PHP for the last month. Insurance pulled out at the end of March, but I did not receive notice of this until April 8. Healthpartners is claiming this is a MNSure problem. MNSure does not seem to care. I have medical bills looming. Not the best place to be in. I have written the Keith Ellison, our AG, filed an emergency appeal with MNSure, and applied for emergency help through Ramsey County. This is very frustrating. I have paid all my premiums on time, but the state claims that I missed a deadline that I did not even know existed, and I have no insurance until May. I rescheduled my appointment with the pain clinic and have put off seeing any medical professionals for the next 3 weeks. The good news is that I don’t need any pharmacy refills. In short, this is a nightmare.

Sorry, my love. I started out talking about a fish on the sidewalk and ended up on a rant against our medical system. In short, it is broken. I am glad you always had MA and that Daddy is retired.

I am returning to work in a week as a nanny for a 15-month-old boy. I am excited to be working again and hope that this will keep me from spiraling into the fear that I won’t have money to pay my bills. Never in my life have I bought something that I could not pay for, so not having control over my medical debt, for reasons that were not my fault, really scares me. To my readers in other civilized countries with universal healthcare, this actually happens fairly often in the US. The biggest cause of bankruptcy is medical debt. Sometimes, it really stinks to be an American.

Hope I haven’t bored you with this diatribe. This is not my first or my last go around trying to get my health care covered. I am so thankful that you got the care you needed immediately, and it did not run us into debt. I know that you are flying free. I am editing your story and looking for agents. You are always on my mind and in my heart. Love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Bird Rap Battles!

We have not seen any cardinals in a week or so, but apparently Ravi has set up shop in a tree in Clarksville, Indiana and is making quite the racket! My dear sister-in-law, Cindy just texted me this morning. For the past few weeks there have been two birds have a bird rap off contest outside her bedroom window, bright and early, every morning. The cardinal, ie: Ravi, has taken over the big maple in her side yard. A California wren lives in a redbud near their bedroom window. For those who do not know, wrens are about 2/3s the size of cardinals but are very noisy and feisty. This duo has been waking up very early every morning to belt out birdie rap songs and debating about who has dominion over the tree. Cindy says that both birds are very wroth, but no fighting, just lots of fluffing of feathers and birdie ballads going back and forth, starting about 5am.

Ravi may have been non speaking, but he did have a voice and could make tons of noise when he felt like it. We used to joke that he was the loudest non speaking person we had ever met. It is no surprise to us that he came back as a very vocal bird. He had so many thoughts in his head, and it was not until he got his AAC, Sam, that he could begin to get them all out. There was a certain energy that he brought into every space. I could feel it as soon as I walked into the house, whether he was was chatting with Sam, stretching his vocal chords, or just chilling. I miss that energy. My house, despite having 3 dogs, 1 cat and a hedgehog, is very quiet.

We are very eager to go to Virginia later this week. The cardinal is the state bird and I look forward to many Ravi sightings. I cherish the thought of him perching in Cindy’s tree, singing the song of his people. Fly free, Boo Bear, and sing to your heart’s content. Love you to the moon and back. Mom.

Out and About

Hello, #TeamRavi! It is beautiful spring weekend, and our friend has been seen in the form of a cardinal twice in the last two days. He is looking most perky and dapper. The first appearance was when I was driving up Summit Avenue. I looked over at the green space in the middle of the road and saw a cocky young male cardinal. I said, “Hi, Ravi!” and he turned his head and looked straight at me. No joke, I swear that the bird smiled at me. The second encounter was almost in the same place, going the other direction on Summit. I was walking two of our dogs. The bird came flying towards me, did a few acrobatics in the air, just to show off, and landed in a nearby tree, where he commenced to fluff out his feathers and preen. Obviously, he is feeling very good about himself. The red feathers made a stunning display against the backdrop of green leaves.

Things are up and down these days. I relish the sunshine and the warmer weather. I am waging a losing war on the bunnies who keep snacking on my flower beds. Robert has been up soaring lately, and his parachute just arrived. It came from the manufacturer with a bottle of nice wine, saying, “Hope this is the only thing you ever need to open!” With all luck, Robert will never have to open his chute, but it is always a good thing to have while soaring, particularly in competition. Weather permitting, he is hoping to go up again this week.

When I was out running the other day, I saw two beautiful dragon flies. These symbolize Jonathon, Alissa’s older brother, who is now hangout out with Ravi. It is a great week when I can see both tangible signs of both of these incredible young men. Death has not held them back. There is no more epilepsy and pain. Truly, they are flying free. Enjoy your weekend and remember those who paid the ultimate sacrifice this Memorial Day. You are all good humans, and I am proud to call you my friends. Peace in this crazy world. Harriet, Ravi’s mom.

Six Months

My darling Boo Bear, it has been six months since you left us. Today is Friday, April 11. You left us on Friday, October 11. I go back in forth in my mind, was that the worst day of my life, or was the worst day of my life the day of your funeral? Maybe it is a tie. Your daddy and I will live with the memories of those two days forever.

I visit you every Sunday at church, but I know you spirit resides out in the wide world. You have started coming to me in dreams, and it is such a blessing! Friends from all over the country are texting me to tell me that they say you as a cardinal, or a beautiful monarch butterfly. Yesterday, I was walking at the nature preserve with a friend. A beautiful male cardinal flew out in front of us. He seemed very happy to be bopping about, taking little flights from tree to tree. This is the first cardinal I have seen since you passed, though others have seen them often. It was so good to see you!

Today is a tough day, but I am glad you are flying free, in a space where there is no pain or fear, cancer or epilepsy. Your soul has left your body. All that is left is memories, and sightings of cardinals and monarch butterflies. That will have to be enough.

I have submitted my book, Not Your Ordinary Autism Book, to Abbey, in hopes that she can find us a publishing company. She says this is her busy season, but she will keep in touch. I want your story to go out to the world, not just locked in the memories of those who loved you.

I have not been running at all since you passed. Your father and I have walked hundreds of miles; walking, meditating, looking at the sky for signs of you, grieving. I think I will go for a run either today or tomorrow. It may not be pretty but is has been such an essential part of my life since I was 13, that I think I should try it again. Even if it is only a mile or two or running/walking, that would be okay. I feel that I need to do this for you.

Today is a dark, overcast day, but the sun is predicted to come out later. I am going for a walk with a friend early this afternoon. We will look for signs of you. After that, I will try a brief run. Your daddy will be out at the glider field tomorrow, polishing the gliders and getting ready for the soaring season. This makes him happy, and me happy.

I don’t really know where this blog is going, Ravi, but know that I love you deeply and fiercely. I miss you more than words can express. Fly free, my love, and I will look for you in the cardinals and the butterflies.