Dear Ravi,
I had a strange dream last night and, oddly, you were not in it. I found myself mentoring a group of children who had lost a sibling. Some of the losses were from cancer, one from suicide, one from a bolt of lightning. In this scene it was Christmas time. Children would be discussing loss and trauma and then another influx of Christmas presents would arrive. Suddenly, the conversation would turn from grief to who had gotten the best stuffie. Very much shadow and sunlight. It amazed me how quickly these children could transition from darkness into light. I was having emotional whiplash, but they seemed able to move from talking about death into talking about presents without missing a beat.
November is sibling loss month. There is a lot of attention showered on parents who have lost a child, but much less attention given to children or young adults who have lost a sibling. A child may not be able to say that they are sad or miss their sibling, but the trauma may appear in other ways. The child may have chronic tummy aches, avoid going to school, stop hanging out with friends, and many other symptoms as well. I firmly believe that sibling loss needs as much attention as child loss. Ravi, I wonder if Mercury grieves you. They refused to come to the house after you passed, and they skipped out on your funeral. I feel that they must grieve on some level, even if they are trying to ignore it. Mercury shared a house with you for 18 years. The two of you were not particularly close, but there must have been a sibling bond somewhere. My hope and my prayer is that Mercury is getting good therapy and can process their grief in a meaningful and helpful way.
Ravi, I am still trying to process this dream. It was both comforting and disconcerting. Next week I am doing a 2-day intensive training to be a peer mentor for parents who have lost a child. I am both excited and nervous. I hope that I can be of help to some parents, much as Jenn and Jon have helped us. Every child who has passed deserves to have their story told. Every child or young adult who has lost a sibling deserves a safe place to unpack their trauma. I know and trust that you are in a place where there is no more cancer or pain. I pray that Mercury is finding good help to unpack their own trauma. Love you to the moon and back. Mom.
