Just a Saturday Post

Dear Ravi,

Daddy is out at the airfield playing with gliders today. I am slowly cleaning the house. Nikki is upset because I cleaned his litter box and recycled all the random boxes in the kitchen that he has been playing with. I put some catnip in a bag, but he is preferring to sulk. The dogs are happy as long as I am in their line of sight and the hedgehog is snoozing. Outside, your two trees are putting out buds and the daffodils and jonquils are flowering madly. It may be a grey day outside, but there are many pretty things to look at.

Earlier this week I had a come to Jesus moment. I realized that I can no longer work, even part time. Since you have left us, I have started and then had to stop 3 separate jobs just because my body failed me. This is a very hard decision because I love to work and to help people. On the other hand, I want to preserve what is left of my body. I want to be fully present for Daddy and my friends. I want to honor your memory. I have not been able to run since October and the back and neck pain is steadily getting worse, as are the blinding headaches. I would not be helping anyone if I were to just put my head down and try to muscle my way through. In two weeks, I am having a steroid injection into my cervical spine. I am hoping that this will bring some relief. My research shows me that steroid injections work about 40% to 80% of the time. Hopefully, I will fall into this range. I can’t do many injections as it weakens bone density, and I already have a problem with that. I would like to get the injection and then return to PT to better build up the muscles around my C spine. The dogs are hoping that I will continue to take the long walks with them that they so enjoy.

Since the age of 13, I have been “Harriet the Runner”. Though I have other gifts to offer the world, I have always viewed myself as an endurance athlete. I am trying to reframe who I am, besides a person who lives in running shoes. First of all, I am a wife and a mom. You and Mercury may be far from me, but I still hold you both in my heart. I am a writer and an animal lover. I am an autism and osteosarcoma advocate. There is more to me than the miles measured by my Garmin. Your daddy did not marry me because I was an ultra-runner. I am still me, but my passions have shifted.

So, this is to say that I did a lot of thinking in the past week. There is both relief and sadness that I am no longer part of the work force. But I can rejoice when I see a cardinal. I can stop in awe and watch a beautiful sunrise. I can laugh at the antics of our pets. I can love your Daddy and our dear friends. Our work here on earth is ephemeral. Our chance to love each other in heaven is eternal. We will meet again, in pure love and happiness. I love you forever, Mom.